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Welcome to another edition of Defamer CrazyTalk™, in which we down three Vicodin-Red Bull cocktails and wait for a cute squirrel with a unicorn horn to tell us some completely unverifiable rumor that we nonetheless feel compelled to share with you, the reader who is admirably unconcerned with the potentially hilarious inaccuracy of said rumor. Ready for today's squirrel-gram? Good.

We hear that someone claiming to be a representative of CBS's Late Show has been calling federal judges in New York, looking for someone to perform a "last-minute" wedding ceremony for tonight's show. Tonight's Letterman guest is none other than Tom Cruise, a fact you've already discerned from brain cells firing involuntarily in recognition of the photograph at left. Is Letterman planning to "tease" Cruise by marrying a couple who've know each other for even a shorter time than he's known his future Scientology war bride? (If someone's not really getting married, why do they need a real judge?) Or do any of us dare to dream the crazy, drug-addled dream that Cruise will continue to defiantly accelerate his fake-seeming relationship by having a judge bless his Hubbardy union right there on the show? We don't know the answer, for this is CrazyTalk, and the vapors from that squirrel's burning entrails (sorry, little guy, Mr. Vike said it was time for you to go) make separating rumor from reality utterly impossible.

Thus ends this useless exercise in irresponsible conjecture.

Oh, and one more thing: We think Tom Cruise has a movie opening pretty soon, but we can't confirm that information. Just thought you might like to know.