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Another Monday morning, another week of dire "Hollywood's Box Office Slump" stories...

1. Batman Begins—$26.8 million
Batman's pulled in $121 million in twelve days, but as the AP's weekend round-up of the early box office estimates cheerfully informs us, this was the 18th straight weekend of decline (vs. the corresponding weekend of 2004). Let others speculate about The Slump's (if there is indeed a "slump" at all) possible origins in the increasing popularity of the DVD format, or the declining quality of theatrical releases, for we think we've finally got this thing figured out. The studios are all colluding in a plot they lifted from Major League, and are intentionally tanking with their releases in hopes of moving the entire entertainment industry to the union-free paradise of Australia. (Look for Paramount's "reimagining" of Major League in theaters in April 2007!)

2. Bewitched—$20.2 million
Another quick taste of the Bewitched buzz, this time in post-release form: "My friend saw it and said it wasn't sooo bad, I think. But she said it wasn't as good as You've Got Mail."

3. Mr. and Mrs. Smith—$16.75 million
At least no one can blame Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for The Slump. They did everything but tour the nation's movie theaters and copulate in front of indecisive ticket buyers to support their movie.

4.Herbie: Fully Loaded—$12.75 million
We thought that moviegoers from the "Horny Dad" quadrant might push Herbie a little higher, but this isn't the first time Lindsay Lohan has let us down. She'll make it up to us at the supermarket check-out line, by appearing above titles referencing the potential physical dangers of her well-documented weight loss.

5. Land of the Dead—$10.2 million
Seems that those interested in two hours of hollow-cheeked, dead-eyed zombies shelled out for Herbie instead.