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The AP obtained the Dept. of Agriculture's final, inconclusive report investigating the tragicomic tiger mauling of Roy Horn. The real reason why the white Bengal attacked his sequined-bedecked master still remains a mystery, but some of the more "popular" theories were either ruled out or no evidence proving them was discovered:

The tiger-was-hungry theory was ruled out. And there was no proof that the animal was deliberately provoked by someone in the audience, or that a terrorist sprayed it with a behavior-altering scent, or that it was unhinged by a woman with a beehive hairdo.

MGM Mirage spokesman Alan Feldman said the resort wanted authorities to look at the possibility that someone deliberately distracted the tiger, since the animal had performed 2,000 times without incident.

He said the casino was flooded with e-mails such as this one the USDA included in its report: "If there is audio & video of the tiger attack it should be analyzed for far-UV and or high ultra sonics, as well as other triggers that might be the work of a terrorist aiming at a high profile GAY target."

Vegas performers of indeterminate sexuality can breathe easy again, as the "homophobe with a death ray" theory (our personal favorite) seems implausible. The report also dismissed speculation that the mysterious "woman with a beehive" was actually a cleverly-disguised CBS programming guerilla Les Moonves engaging in a covert attempt to destabilize rival NBC's Father of the Pride; it was determined that the expensive CGI series failed on its own merits.