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How can the AP be so goddamn calm and rational when Brad Pitt rushed himself to an undisclosed local hospital (cough—Cedars Sinai!—cough) with flu-like symptoms? We've already torn out clumps of hair over this maddeningly vague diagnosis by publicist Cindy Guagenti:

"I think he has the flu," the spokeswoman said.

She won't be so calm when the world's finest celebrity-care practitioners extract a ten-foot Ethiopian tape worm from Pitt's intestinal tract, freeing the parasite to make a greedy dash to devour Maddox Jolie whole, and forcing the flack to release a statement that young Maddox had "the sniffles."

We'll track this breaking medical drama as it unfolds.