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• Paris Hilton's new "film" Pledge This is magically scheduled to debut on the same day as her ex-best friend's cinematic venture, Kids in America. Ohmigod, Paris, why do you have to be such a bitch?! [Page Six]
• Tom Cruise apparently can't stand being single, which is why he jumped into an engagement with Katie Holmes. Shame on you for thinking it had something to do with Scientology or repressed homosexuality; turns out, Tom's just lonely! [Scoop]
• When she thinks of Angelina Jolie carrying Brad Pitt's child (which, to our knowledge, she isn't), Jennifer Aniston weeps as the PR Life Cycle© continues to shine in her direction. [R&M]
• Sienna Miller rebounds from her breakup with cheating ballerina Jude Law by scoring the Edie Sedgwick role in Factory Girl after Katie Holmes drops out. She has both Scientology and the tabloids to thank for that one. [Page Six]