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From the multiple reports we've gotten surrounding last night's clusterfucky premiere of Pretty Persuasion and a screening of The Aristocrats that would've been unremarkable if not for the incredibly conspicuous presence of a munchies-afflicted Keanu Reeves (in a motorcycle helmet, no less), it seems like everyone was at the ArcLight last night.

At the Pretty Persuasion event, readers report that things were so overbooked and disorganized that James Woods, the real star of the movie, found himself pressed into usher duty. Here's one account:

Last night I attended the L.A. premiere for PRETTY PERSUASION, an Evan Rachel Wood starrer that could be be described (in a lazy, development exec sort of way) as TO DIE FOR meets WILD THINGS meets CLUELESS meets CRUEL INTENTIONS. In other words, it was a slightly above par private school drama about a bunch of opportunistic, manipulative rich bitches in short skirts. [Ed.note—Our "Eh." experience with the Sundance cut is here. ]

After being passed from line to line like a cheap whore, I finally made my way into the screening room. My friends and I quickly grabbed spots, which was a good thing. After an uncomfortable interim whereby people walked around and tried to nab whatever seats they could, it became clear that there weren't near enough to go around. Soon, people were told if they didn't have a seat that they would have to leave and would be compensated (overbooked airline style) for the humiliation of being completely expendable. The best part of the night came when James Woods himself helped usher people out the door. Among those sorry losers? Agents! That's right. A diminutive agent I recognized didn't get a seat. My heart went out to him, as I pity any bottom dwelling agent who doesn't get his way.

I noticed that a teen-aged girl got up and gave Ron Livingston her seat. Apparently, Ron has enough clout (even after LITTLE BLACK BOOK) to merit his own private, pubescent seat-filler. Ron and I soon locked eyes. Some might think he just happened to glance in my direction, seeing as I was staring at him, but I'm convinced that we shared a very special second.

Outside of the theater, long lines at the concession stand threatened to plunge the ArcLight into Lord of the Flies-style anarchy. Another reader reports: "The line for popcorn took forever, making tensions run high. Two guys right in front of me started fighting (actual hand-to-hand combat, not angry looks), and then one of the popcorn vendors broke it up." Guys, guys! This is a luxury movie theater! If you want to bitchslap each other over some Junior Mints, take it to Burbank.

After the jump, a high-level Defamer spy interacts with Keanu Reeves, whose smart-looking helmet didn't prevent him from being baffled by another moviegoer's food selection:

Oh wow. Went to see The Aristocrats at the ArcLight last night (Tuesday) and the Pretty Persuasion premiere was going on. Security on this thing was pathetic. My friend and I cruised through the red carpet / paparazzi mayhem to get into the main entrance of the theater. No one seemed to care. My eye is probably in a few Wire Image shots. After passing Even Rachel Wood, James Woods and Selma Blair (all of which are in the movie) we passed a few of the people from Best Week Ever. No that exciting. So we are running a bit late but we still want to get some food before the show starts. So we are at the upstairs concession line waiting to get some popcorn and none other than the one and only Keanu Reeves gets in line behind us.... and he's wearing his motorcycle helmet (not the ones that go over your entire head, but the old fashion kind). He was with two girls that looked seemingly normal and not as fucked-up-seeming as he was. Anyways, he asks us if we are waiting in line. (um it is quite obvious we are, we weren't just lining up single file staring at the register for kicks.) The guy in front of us in line orders a bunch of hot dogs with a mess of everything on them. Keanu goes to us, "Whoa, that guy knows how to order. He has mustard and relish and ketchup and everything." Then he taps the guy on the shoulder and compliments him on his order. Then I say "Well, but you have to eat that in the dark- that's kinda hard." To which he becomes kinda confused. I swear he is Ted from Bill and Ted. So we get our food and rush into the theater. Keanu strolls into the theater sits down and is still wearing his motorcycle helmet - in the dark.

And just for good measure, another reader's brush with Keanu in the snack line and inside The Aristocrats showing:

Arrived last night at The Arclight for what I thought was a screening of "Pretty Persuasion" but turned out to be the world premiere. After passing by a few B-C-D list celebs and realizing that myself and half of the line wasn't going to get in, I opted to buy a ticket to the 7:55 showing of "The Aristocrats". When I got in line for some popcorn and soda, Keanu Reeves was in line in front of me, with a few friends buying loads of food. He paid, his friends thanked him, and they were on their way. I hoped he would be in my auditorium but when I sat down I didn't see him anywhere. Movie starts, hilarity ensues, and then, there it was, like a sonic boom on a quiet night, the Keanu laugh. He was sitting in front of me, and when Gilbert Gottfried tells the joke and adds his "fist-f*cking" reference, Keanu and I both laughed so hard we practically fell out of our chairs. Leaving the theatre after the film, I thought my life was almost complete. Walking up the stairs and back to my car, a couple in front of me were discussing their favorite moments of the film. Just as I was about to interject an agreement, I realized the male was none other than Jon Cryer. It's nights like these, when I realize Los Angeles must be a pretty nifty town, and the only place on earth I can experience the world's filthiest joke with Neo and Ducky.