Murder at Teany: The Aftermath
The traditional news outlets finally shed some light on yesterday's murder outside of celebrity vegan teahouse Teany; the victim, 40-year-old George Dresche, was "a down-and-out heroin addict with a long criminal record." (Sadly, we just knew heroin would have something to do with this.) Teany employee Roger Peffley — who, we must point out, is a musician who performs under the name Roger Human Being — was opening the teahouse when he saw Dresche:
"At first I thought he was some guy from around, some drunk guy you don't care about. But then I saw he was bleeding."
[...]
"This is shocking," [Peffley] said of the stabbing. "This neighborhood is so pretentious the last thing you would expect is somebody running down the street bleeding."
Roger Human Being then proudly added that no animals were harmed in the killing of the drunk guy he normally wouldn't care about.
