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Wherein we invite our readers to savor the bizarre neologisms, tortured extended metaphors, and moments of "Holy fucking shit, I think Shakespeare's bones just exploded!" of humpy E! gossipologist Ted Casablanca in the course of decoding his weekly blind item. Did we say tortured extended metaphors? Yeah, we've got that this week. Inhale One (Re-) Netted Blind Vice:

Ted sez: "Chunky Charlie is known for baiting Hollywood's more rarefied fishies. But for a minute there, C2 decided to settle down with a purty little mermaid. Even had a few guppies as a result. But then it all came plummeting down faster than the Titanic, I declare. C.C. couldn't keep his fins in his pants—like, at all—so, Missus Mermaid ditched his increasingly déclassé ass and took a settlement the size of the Caribbean in the process. Ouchie-wouchie!" Read the item.

You say: Send your guesses to defamer[AT]gmail.com and put "blind" in the subject line. We'll post your responses later today.