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Can we talk, just for a moment, about MTV's Video Music Awards? Okay, good, 'cause the damn things aren't even until Sunday night and yet, every day, all day, we're being bombarded with preparations for what can only be described as a swag-and-substance-fueled 3-day weekend in Miami. It's actually amazing: Anyone willing to feign just the slightest interest in publicists or "reporting" is eagerly making their way down to Miami. A giant pasty blob of Manhattanites have rented a VW bus (fueled exclusively by refuse from the September fashion mags) to head on down for a weekend of media-justified fun. Ourselves included.

We're not even Miami yet, however, and we're already feeling exhausted.

The second it was whispered that we might — just might — head down south for a few days of gawking on location, it was as if we were sucked into a frightening, yacht-scented sorority of press releases and scheduling challenges. And oh, the sorts of pre-VMA news we stumble upon. Missy Elliot has been awarded the keys to the city? How fantastic!

More importantly, seemingly every magazine is relocating to South Beach for the sake of throwing themselves a single party (at a cost certainly disproportionate to the five photo pages in which said fetes will result). Countless luxury brands intend to shower names and, inevitably, no-names alike with thousands of dollars of free crap. It's like the short bus of Oscars.

So we'll be hauling ass down to South Beach, if only so we can pick ourselves up a swag-bag at the Better Homes & Gardens party. We hear they're giving out Jacob the Jeweler's new flower pots, and we'll be damned if we don't score one before Diddy.