Closeted homolove, celebrity bastard seed — we'd like to think ourselves experts in these genres. Alas, Ben Widdicombe's Gatecrasher column has left us more stumped than your daddy's peg leg:

• Which square-jawed anchor — and not the one at CNN or Fox that you're thinking of — surprised a spywitness recently when he was caught in a clinch with a handsome male companion?

• What actor in a hit TV series is having serious baby-mama drama with a woman who isn't his famous girlfriend? The parties are sitting down with their lawyers this week to work out a cash settlement.

Whoa — there's a hit TV series out there? We're positively fascinated. You know what to do: Send us your guesses, we'll run them by Tom Cruise's legal team and, at the end of the day, we'll all indulge in the collective wisdom of the masses.

Don't Shoot the Messenger [Gatecrasher (last item)]