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Wherein we invite our readers to set a trap of milk and cookies for humpy E! gossip-Claus Ted Casablanca, lure him down their chimney, then hold him hostage to pepper him with their best guesses as to the identity of his weekly blind item. Nary a coke-snorting It Girl or a closeted actor to be found this week, as Ted takes a turn toward the gross just in time for the holidays. Make some snow angels for One Pained 'n' Stained Blind Vice:

Ted sez: "So, Schlocky—a kudo queen for one of her more, uh, less scene-chewing flicks—went to see a fancy plastic surgeon. Not one of the best, perhaps, but not one of the worst cracks in town either. S.T.-T. got herself a face-lift, went for the whole works, the full bandaged shebang. Now, here's where it gets dicey—not to mention really ugly. Schlocky's a very, very heavy smoker. Idiot. As if lung cancer and assorted other potential ailments waiting to afflict the once A-list actress weren't enough to scare this broad off the fags, you'd think the following would." Read the item.

You say: Your votes are in!