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Wherein we invite our readers to submit themselves to the stroke-inducing linguistic stylings of humpy E! gossipist Ted Casablanca, and after painful rehabilitation of the cerebral language-recognition centers damaged in the problem-solving feat, guess the identity of his weekly blind item. Casablanca returns from holiday with another tale of booger sugar abuse, but instead of the usual starlet-in-stall antics, this week's mystery snorter seems to be a little older. (One of the hints frees Judge Judy from suspicion of blowing rails off her gavel.) Inhale One Chatty, Snorty Blind Vice:

Ted sez: "Ugh. At midnight, your pooch threw up on the desinger sofa. Then your man says those crabcakes didn't sit well with him. And you're in the medicine cabinet looking for the damn Alka-Seltzer. All the while, you know the Lincoln Town Car's gonna be waiting for you tomorrow. Oy. And you gotta be camera-ready on top of it! And perky! Really perky! Yes, the life of a sickeningly popular boob-tube personality is demanding. How does one do it? With cocaine, you twit. Every dummy knows that, nowadays. It's like any idiot who's halfway rich 'n' famous is back at Studio 54 again—only with less hairspray and jobs to go to in the ayem." Read the item.

You say: Send your guesses to tips[AT]defamer.com with "blind" in the subject line, and we'll post the results later today.