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We've been doing our best to ignore sex tapes (unless there's one that features Adam Moss and Ariel Foxman tearing at each other like wild, lonely dogs); masturbation is a private, beautiful thing, and who are we to interfere with your diddling time? As such, our eyes just kind of glazed over with the news of Colin Farrell's homegrown porno, especially when it became quickly unavailable. But now the damn thing is back and all over the interwebs, and there's even transcripts. Considering Valentine's Day is just around the corner, we found the following snippet of dialogue rather sweet:

C: That's the prettiest fucking pussy I've ever seen in my life.
N: I hate it.
C: Aw, man, you can't fucking say that! (incredulous) You hate it? You can't fucking hate that, girl. She's so beautiful, man. She's fucking gorgeous.
N: She's so (unintelligible)
C: What would you do? What would you snip? What would you fucking implant? Shut the fuck up.
N: Nothing.
C: It's beautiful...she's beautiful.
N: ...no...
C: She's a beautiful little flower.

Awwwww — see? You don't need Le Bernardin; true romance is much more simple, pure. And focused on the ladyflower.

Transcript-a-Thon 2006 [All the Shrimp You Can Eat]
Colin Farrell Sex Tape: The Script [Defamer]