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• Jesus, whether you believe in him or not, loves you, and that's why he's given you the documents from Paris Hilton's deposition. You knew the bitch was dumb, but you never could have predicted this level of retardation. It's medical, really.
• The transcript for Colin Farrell's sex tape makes our hearts surge with hope. Just like we felt the first time we saw Bridget Jones' Diary.
• We expect NYC restaurants to be filthy, but Soho House? Oh, the $1300/year horror of it all!
• We've seen promo posters for The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things, based on the book by Fake Writer JT Leroy — and the marketing department behind them clearly has no clue what the fuck is going on.
• Opinionistas writer Melissa Lafsky is revealed. Now that you know her name, you can also know she's the estranged step-sister of Jordan Catalano!
• William Shatner returns to his true calling as an awards show host, which naturally ups the worth of his kidney stone to $25K.
• Packs of cigarettes seem to be falling from the sky, for reasons we can't quite figure out. Either some sneaky guerrilla marketing is afoot, or God has taken pity on your habit.
• Your job sucks. Get a new one with Gawker Jobs.
• Stop reading James Frey, and defintely stop reading him in public.
• Tina Brown takes a "break" from the Washington Post. Will we ever see her again? Or has she lost her will to buzz?!