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For those interested in perhaps following in the footsteps of David Hans Schmidt, aka the "Sultan of Sleaze," and carving out a career for yourselves based entirely around the brokering of celebrity smut, pay close attention: Using his recent big score (Paris Hilton's time capsule of personal skank-effects) as a case study, Schmidt recently explained the nuts and bolts of the sleaze-purveying business to a CourtTV.com reporter:

"Here's how we're handling it, OK, and it's very important this part gets out," he says. "Any serious bidder will contact yours truly and make an offer. If I accept your offer, you will put the funds in an escrow account."

If you like what you see, Schmidt says, "our bodyguards will personally help you put it safely in your car and you can drive away." Not happy? "Your funds will be returned minus a yet-to-be-determined nonrefundable deposit." [...]

"I really struggle ... I look at the pictures of Paris as a little girl. Can I really do this?" he says. "But then, I look in the mirror and I say, David Hans Schmidt, you are the Sultan of Sleaze! Go for it!"

It s brief hiccups of humanity like this that separate the bottom-feeding drek-dealers from the majesty of a Sultan. Ultimately, however, a Sultan must rely on his steely resoluteness the part of him that can look at an adorable, 8-year-old Paris tugging at her mother's dress ("No you may NOT get a Brazilian wax, young lady!") and not let sentimentality get in the way of the smut-peddling task at hand.