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Wherein we invite our readers to subject themselves to the extreme linguistic G-forces of humpy E! gossip-centrifuge Ted Casablanca's weekly blind item and guess the hopelessly obscured identity of its secret subject. We neglected to post this guessing game during yesterday's Cruise-Holmes excitement, but enough of you showed up on our doorstep with torches and pitchforks to convince us to run with it today. Stare at the stunning reflection of One Vainglorious Blind Vice:

Ted sez: "Okay, darlings. I'm just gonna lay down the get-laid law. When you're twisting in the sheets with a lip-mashing mate, selfish behavior has got to be at the top of the don't list. Sex is all about focusing on your partner, relishing their nooks, crannies, piercings and whatnot. I mean, sure, we all get off on ourselves; it's just that usually you save that for when you're alone. And that's why Probe Light is so shocking. He's a rocker—okay, semi-rocker—a very dreamy boy from the sensitive side of the tracks. Sort of a clean-living-room thing. And so as you can predict, this saga begins backstage at one of Probe's concerts. An unknown minx makes her way into P.L.'s dressing room. One flirtatious remark leads to a lick of the lips, and before ya can say, "Top 40 music rules"...Boom, boom, boom, they go, back to his room where they do it all night. Oh. Forgot one little detail about this assignation. Ya see, Probe's own music was playing on the stereo the whole friggin' time." Read the item.

You say: Send your guesses to tips[AT]defamer.com with "blind" in the subject line, and we'll post the results later today.