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A recap: At a reading for Mike Albo and Virginia Heffernan's Underminer, several people were invited to tell their own stories about "the best friend who casually destroys your life." A writer/actress named Nancy Balbirer told a very funny story about an undermining friend named "Jane," who anyone with half a brain realized was actually Jennifer Aniston. The columns picked up the item; now Balbirer is defending herself against criticism (and, likely, Aniston's lawyers). She continues to draw out the issue with an interview today in Salon, conveniently conducted by friendly acquaintance Cintra Wilson. An excerpt, again with our free-of-charge translation services:

You feel wronged by the tabloids. What was it you were actually trying to say with your "Jane" piece?
In her own way, Jane was trying to help me. When I was at NYU, [playwright and film director] David Mamet told me that I should be "an artist," "speak the text," not sell out to "commercial horseshit," etc. "Jane" told me that in order to break into acting, I had to be likable, fuckable, have straight, blow-dried hair, and pert nipples. On a certain level she was more brilliant than Mamet, because she actually had solutions.

Translation: "Jennifer Aniston was one smart hooker."

What really pisses me off is that this is my actual life experience, and somehow I'm not allowed to talk about this without people calling me "opportunistic." I could have sold my story to [the National Enquirer's] Mike Walker or the Globe or something, but I just told a story about "Jane" for a benefit for 826 NYC — a nonprofit that teaches kids to write, and to not be afraid to share their stories.

Translation: "I did it for the children, so that our nation's youth may someday have the opportunity to betray their favorite sitcom stars and put chicken cutlets in their bras."

"Jen" Doe [Salon]
Earlier: Jennifer Aniston Is an Underminer, But Nancy Balbirer Never Said So