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With higher-level problems plaguing the Paramount lot recently, executives probably haven't had too much time to worry about new and exciting ways in which to humiliate the CBS employees cast out of Viacom Eden following the company's corporate schism. However, it seems that someone finally found a free moment to organize the distribution of new ID cards to all Melrose lot-based staff, perhaps finally closing any loopholes that might allow the CBS unwashed to infiltrate Paramount-sponsored screenings and possibly presaging the re-revoking of the beloved DVD discount. According to a memo (presented in full after the jump, because Paramount memos are infinitely more enthralling than ones at your place of business) distributed around the lot, CBSers will get their own brands cards sometime in July, allowing plenty of time for Viacom to finish constructing the tiger cages provisional workspaces to which anyone foolish enough to show up to the trap ID distribution will be relocated.

YOUR PARAMOUNT ID CARD HAS A NEW LOOK!

Beginning next week, a mandatory exchange of new photo ID cards will
commence for all Paramount, CBS and production personnel according to
the schedule below:

PARAMOUNT PICTURES EMPLOYEES

Last Name Beginning with Distribution Days
A-G April 6-14
H-O April 17-21
P-Z April 24-28
Open Distribution May 1-5

ALL PRODUCTION PERSONNEL

Last Name Beginning with Distribution Days
A-G May 8-12
H-O May 15-19
P-Z May 22-26
Open Distribution May 29-June 2

* A new ID card for CBS OVERHEAD EMPLOYEES is being developed and
distribution will commence on July 5th and continue through July 28th.

* No action is necessary for VENDORS or TEMPS as new cards will not be issued.

* Please arrange to exchange your card at the Clara Bow building (1st
floor, East entrance) between the hours of 8:00 AM and 5:00 PM. For
additional information, please call x6xxxx.

* You are encouraged to exchange your ID card during your designated
dates in order to minimize your wait. If you are unable to exchange
your ID during your assigned time period, you may do so during open
distribution after your assigned dates.

You must surrender your existing ID card in exchange for the new one.