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So the big Rolling Stone 1,000th issue party was last night, and we've received several reports. Consensus seems to be that it was fun but not as celebrity-laden as Jann would have wanted; the Strokes were good but they were basically the extent of the music; the gift bags sucked; and Jann had a good time. After the jump, reports from our on-site spies, who set the scene, ID the guests, and, in the case of one unhappy caterer, just vent.

Went to the Rolling Stone Magazine 1,000 edition party you have been talking as of late. The press left fairly earlier and basically disgruntled (as I am sure Jann was) as more than half the invites did not show up. One person that did show up was Lisa Marie Presley, so it's a sure bet she must be recording and is looking for a magazine cover.

There were a few surprise guests, just like they said there would be; there was Jimmy Fallon, Colin Hanks (who gave me his gift bag), Adriana La Cerva, and some guy named Sebastian Bach, who brought a few porn stars with him. Debbie Harry and Ice-T came too.

I bet you're getting some emails about the party, but in case you need more stuff, I went to the RS 1000th party last night. It was pretty cool, very good open bar, and not as packed as I thought it'd be. We were even smuggled into the VIP section, but I feel like most people ended up there anyway. Celeb list as seen by me through many glasses of champagne: David Cross, Will Arnette, Jimmy Fallon, Marilyn Manson & wife Dita or whatever her name is, Ice-T & Coco, David Byrne, Nick of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Seth Meyers, Solomon Burke (performed), Lou Reed (performed w/Strokes), Eddie Vedder (performed w/Strokes, damn he's tiny), the band Wolf Mother (Wolfmother? I don' know, they're Australian), John Sykes of MTV... I'm probably leaving people out, but like I said, champagne-induced memory loss. And unlike the RS staffers, I don't have the day off.

Of course, Jann was there, looking very happy, accepting all pats on the back and congratulations. I heard he sang onstage before we got there, and we missed it. Bummer. The gift bags had a copy of the 1000th in it and like, Butterfinger Stix. I didn't take one because there were about 4 mangled ones left by the time it was over.

Oh yeah, Chris Wilson was there too. Woooo.

Lucky me, as a caterer at the RS1000 I got to be a fly on the way in one of the city's most overhyped parties.

So right of the bat, we lowly caterers were briefed on all things Jann. A Google Images printout of Jann was passed around the room and we were informed to "remember this face, if this man wants anything, you get it for him. He runs this place."

For the party, the floor at Hammerstein was divided into two sections, VIP and VVVIP. The VVVIP section, fresh with velvet ropes and security, was the two-thirds closest to the stage. There were about a dozen tables set up right in front of the stage, and behind the tables Target (sponsor) had set up a lounge. The lounge was a 30x30 area with white carpet and all white sofas surrounding the two large throne-like bright red velvet wingback chairs in the middle. Those were, as our straight-man supervisor said using fingerquotes, reserved for Jann and "his (insert fingerquote) partner (end fingerquote) or whatever."

The losers in VIP were forced to stand around the back third of the room near the entrance. VIP really didn't include anyone famous, just a bunch moochers hanging around scrounging for food and free drinks. The stage was barely visible from here, but VIPs had a perfect view of the 'A-listers' like... um... Lisa Marie Presley, Marilyn Manson, and Bette Midler partying inside the ropes. Superstar David Cassidy and Extra! TV Correspondent Tanika Ray (with the big hair) were also in the VVVIP Section.

Chris Wilson of the New York Post was not.

Jann of course was a VVVIP. But he nor his "partner" ever sat in their red thrones. As a matter of fact, the last time I saw Jann he was dancing by himself during the Strokes set, diminutive, presumably drunk, and covered in Mardi Gras-style beads. (True)

Only Paul Schaffer (baldie from the Late Show) and his band and The Strokes performed. Eddie Vedder (yum!) and Lou Reed came on with the Strokes, who weren't that bad if you like sloppy guitar and slurred words. In case you care, the Strokes are all still tall, and skinny, and have better hair than the rest of us. Amanda de Whatever (the guitarist's girlfriend) was rocking out in convulsions to the set, definitely pregnant and showing.

The gift bags were lame and could've been bought at Duane Reade: A Heineken cap, a Butterfinger, that weird 3D Technicolor RS issue thing, and a coupon for a free 7UP.

The party its self was, excuse the word, lame. Rich people get rude when they're drunk and become even worse dancers. The room stank of weed (not always a bad thing), and was in desperate need of ventilation.

Here's what I remember of the "real" celebrities:
Marilyn Manson and Dita von Teese
That SNL crowd: Amy Poeler, Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz, Seth Meyers & Co.
Diane von Furstenberg
Bette Midler
David Cassidy
Nick from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Scott Ian from Anthrax
Lisa Marie Presley
Ethan Hawke

God, I think that's it. Sad. There wasn't a Lohan, Richie, or Olsen in sight.