The little war between Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan has a whole new front: Brandon Davis, the oil scion best known for boozing his way to the top of Los Angeles' tower of celebutwat nightlife. The omnipresent cultural pornographers at TMZ have released a video shot last night, featuring Paris Hilton and Davis — who's so drunk as to sport some impressive facial bloat. Always a gentleman, Davis defends his lady friend, ranting about Lohan for an impressive three-and-a-half minutes before throwing the ultimate gauntlet (as transcribed by our brother Defamer): "Lindsay Lohan is a firecrotch, she has freckles coming out of her vagina, and her clitoris is seven feet long." Well, now you know.

For quick reference, we've put together a handy rundown of Davis' important stats from the video:

• Usage of "fuck" (including "fucking"): 10

• References to Lohan's freckles: 3

• References to Lohan's genitalia (including her "pussy," "skanky pussy," and "7-ft long clit"): 5

• References to the orange/red color of Lohan's pubic hair: 4

• Number of times Davis utters "firecrotch": 10

• Unflattering references to Lohan's attractiveness as compared to that of her incarcerated father: 1

Paris and Brandon Davis — the Incredible Hatred Towards Lindsay [TMZ]