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Keanu Reeves has let the pain of childhood abandonment and personal tragedy accumulate for too long, and the actor has finally chosen to speak out about it. In this we support him. What we're having a harder time getting behind is whom he chose to share his exclusive with: PARADE magazine—the Sunday newspaper insert, printed on the highest quality news-tissue, and typically the first thing to tumble into the big blue bin followed by the Classifieds and Home Depot circulars:

"I'm trying not to be alone so much," the actor, 41, who costars with Sandra Bullock in this summer's The Lake House, tells Parade magazine in its June 11 issue. "And man, it's a struggle. I want to get married. I want to have kids. That's at the top of the mountain. I've got to climb the mountain first. I'll do it. Just give me some time."

Poor Keanu. If only there were some way to download the necessary metaphorical-mountain-climbing software into the jack in the base of his skull, causing him to blink his eyes open and announce matter-of-factly, "I know how to overcome my relationship-hampering intimacy issues." Sadly, there are as yet no technological system upgrade shortcuts that can instantly fill the void in Reeve's aching heart.