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Shit. We can't make fun of this week's Look Book. We just can't. He's just too adorable! God, we miss our grandpa, we really should give him a call...

This adorable retiree is Tim Horan, who wears scarves because of his neck surgery and plays bridge like any dapper old fellow should. He grew up in Cambridge and he's been in New York since December 1945, when he got out of the army. Tim also made a lot of money on the old quiz shows, which were rigged so he could win — and now he can afford to spend his summers in Lucca, Italy.

Anywho, while we get all weepy for the older, wiser, adorable-r generation, Intern Alexis rounds up Joanna Spilker, Rick J. Pecoraro, and Paul Paftinos, all of whom are ready and able snark on Tim's grandpappy chic.

Joanna Spilker political operative and sassmaster

What kind of dog does Tim have and why wasn't it included in the photo?

Hate to burst that prissy bubble, but when Tim says he's walking the dog in the park, it means he is either errrrr, dropping some kids off at the pool or cruising for trannies in Tompkins Square. The leash in the photo is just part of the ruse.

We discovered a testimony to a Congressional subcommittee given by former quiz show contestent Kirsten Falke who claimed that by accident, she messed up and ultimately beat Tim Horan on "Tic-Tac Dough" even though they were supposed to have tied. What did Horan do the night he was booted off?"

Well, it's hardly a secret that Tim is a self-mutilator. But on that fateful night, blood wasn't enough. Seeing himself wearing the 10 extra pounds that the camera adds was too much for poor Tim. Kids, that was the night Tim became a bulimic.

What does Tim wear when he goes to MisShapes?

Coin toss: a white hooded caftan, or a T-shirt that says "Not only am I perfect, but I'm also Puerto Rican".

You've been invited to stay with the Horans in their 30-room villa in Lucca. What do you pack?

Valium, night-vision goggles, and the big book.


Rick J. Pecoraro, MagneticMediaFed

What kind of dog does Tim have and why wasn't it included in the photo?

Tim is coy. He's a throwback to an earlier time; though unmistakably cutting edge. If Tim were the vintage logo of a Major League Baseball franchise he'd be the Milwaukee Brewers. This is precisely why his dog, Tommy, was cropped out of the photo. See, Tim's dog is actually a robot dog. But this isn't some artificially intelligent Korean import. Tommy is a classic made from copper wire, the rusted hubcaps of a 1962 Chrysler Valiant and powered by steam. It's image cannot be viewed by the masses for fear of riots unparalleled since the likes of the Stonewall Rebellion of 1969.

We discovered a testimony to a Congressional subcommittee given by former quiz show contestant Kirsten Falke who claimed that by accident, she messed up and ultimately beat Tim Horan on "Tic-Tac Dough" even though they were supposed to have tied. What did Horan do the night he was booted off?

Tim Horan isn't one to dwell. Another day, another dollar, right? His immediate location post-taping is mostly unknown, though numerous persons have gone on-record to report a seersucker-clad dandy spotted that night at a Television City piano bar nursing a mint julep with Wink Martindale. However, this isn't one-hundred-percent certain, as Tom Wolfe had just finished a short stint on The Joker's Wild.

What does Tim wear when he goes to MisShapes?

Think Fred from Scooby-Doo, but you know, with a robot dog.

You've been invited to stay with the Horans in their 30-room villa in Lucca. What do you pack?

The Horans are funny like that. They say, "Oh, relax, pack light," but then on some nondescript Lucian afternoon, while chatting with everyone in the Blue Room, you're suddenly asked to go grab your complete set of Coronet magazines, a Crimson letterman sweater and a garlic press made of oxidized bronze. "C'mon people, why on earth would I pack a sweater?" I say, "It's the middle of the goddamn summer." Man, those Horans can be real dicks sometimes.


Paul Paftinos, resident sexy wall streeter

What kind of dog does Tim have and why wasn't it included in the photo?

I'm assuming he's got a Beagle wearing a jacket and hat which matches his own. Thing is the Beagle has in fact been dead since 1989 and his wife doesn't have the heart to tell him. Instead it's been stuffed and she had wheels put under the paws and the senile old fool has been wheeling him through the park for over a decade. Wasn't in photo because New York doesn't want any PETA heat.

We discovered a testimony to a Congressional subcommittee given by former quiz show contestent Kirsten Falke who claimed that by accident, she messed up and ultimately beat Tim Horan on "Tic-Tac Dough" even though they were supposed to have tied. What did Horan do the night he was booted off?

He and Eva Gardner had a wild orgy at the Ch teau Marmont with booze and blow. Nobody would have ever known had he not ended the night by telegraphing a tirade to news editors about how Francis Farmer is a "firecrotch".

What does Tim wear when he goes to MisShapes?

Liver spots... or perhaps Liver Spotted-Face Jesus costume? Not completely sure.

You've been invited to stay with the Horans in their 30-room villa in Lucca. What do you pack?

Well, I'd likely recruit 'the earl grey' on this one... but I'll give it a shot in his absence:

-Custom tailored silk pajamas from Ferragamo
-My entire "Pompous-ass" scarf collection
-Kasmir smoking jacket
-Anything Seersucker
-My polo team
-A couple of ounces of smack to keep me sane