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In what must be mortgage-payment time around the law offices of Lavely & Singer, the firm has issued their second celebrity vs. gossip industry lawsuit of the week. The copiously worded, 14-page document, made available for download by TMZ.com, basically boils down to the following sentiment: "Dear Star Magazine: How dare you say I look fat enough to be pregnant?! I'm suing you! Love, Reese Witherspoon."

In the lawsuit, filed Wednesday in Los Angeles County Superior Court, the Academy Award-winning actress claims the magazine published a false story that she was pregnant "in a callous effort to boost the tabloid's sagging sales."

"Contrary to the fabricated Cover Story," the lawsuit says, "the true facts are that [Reese] is not pregnant, does not have a 'baby bump' and has not otherwise gained weight such that she has had to resort to wearing 'Empire-waist dresses,' 'baggy clothing,' or an 'old-fashioned 1920's bathing suit.'"

No matter that a false hypothesis of pregnancy based upon some unflattering photographs is perceived as one of the most innocuous of tabloid-concocted, celebrity fictions: The livid actress is demanding damages in "an amount appropriate to punish or set an example of Defendants." And rather than make grandiose pronouncements of innocence backed by Constitutional law, we recommend that Star cave in to Witherspoon's every demand, lest they intend to face her well-documented, paparazzi-snuffing psychic death-powers .