Dave Zinczenko Has Better Abs, Life Than You
We're not sure whether Dave Zinczenko likes blowjobs - Oh, who are we kidding, everyone likes blowjobs. And he's Dave Zinczenko! - but he gets one today from James Brady, in what has to be the most mortifying public display of oral attention from an elderly person ever. Brady even takes out his teeth. The piece extols Zinczenko's (or, as Brady calls him, "The Z Man" - we're as sick as you, honestly) editing prowess: Men's Health is now the biggest magazine in its category, outselling former powerhouses Esquire and GQ ("Fit," as a correspondent writes, "is the new dick."), his literary endeavors (Dave wrote both The Abs Diet and his new one, How To Touch Dave Zinczenko's Cock: A Guide For Women), even the summer house he shares with BFF Dan Abrams, which is apparently a non-stop pussy party. In fact, so disgusted were we by the fawning fellations that we almost missed the throwaway admission at the end:
On the day several years back when Art Cooper died, he and Dave lunched at the Four Seasons. "I was telling him about Best Life, and I said, 'Is there anything you could do to help us?' There was no non-compete clause with Conde Nast, and Art said we ought to talk more. But he felt ill and went to the bar to lie down. Next thing, Julian (the co-owner) was calling an ambulance. It was a massive stroke."
See? It wasn't exercise that killed Art Cooper at all; it was the thought of working for Rodale.
Somehow, we sort of suspected that all along.
