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Yesterday, the ugly truth came out: billionaires are twat hounds. Not all billionaires, that is, but certainly billionaire Jeffrey Epstein, a kooky Manhattan financier who helped fund Radar 2.0 and now, alas, is charged with a third-degree felony after asking a masseuse if she would give him a "happy ending" in his Palm Beach mansion. And as the Palm Beach Post reports, that masseuse was just one in a string of several young, often underage women. He sounds charming — let's get to know him, shall we?

According to the Palm Beach police documents:

A Palm Beach Community College student said she gave Epstein a massage in the nude, then brought him six girls, ages 14 to 16, for massage and sex-tinged sessions at his home.

A 27-year-old woman who worked as Epstein's personal assistant also facilitated the liaisons, phoning the PBCC student to arrange for girls when Epstein was coming to town. And she escorted the girls upstairs when they arrived, putting fresh sheets on a massage table and placing massage oils nearby.

Police took sworn statements from five alleged victims and 17 witnesses. They contend that on three occasions, Epstein had sex with the girls.

Well, at least he used fresh sheets.

Epstein's parade of young ladies was facilitated by 20-year-old Haley Robson, who met Epstein when she was 17 years old. A friend had asked if Robson would like to make money giving an old rich guy a massage, and Robson took her up on the offer. During their "massage session," Robson and Epstein were both naked, and Robson told Epstein to not touch her when he grabbed her very-underage ass. Nevertheless, it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship — Robson referring to herself as "a Heidi Fleiss," rounding up girls as young as 14 to strip down and massage Epstein (one 23-year-old Robson brought by was rejected for being too old). Epstein's personal assistant would then escort the girls to the "massage" area, decorated with a mural of a naked woman, a hot pink and green sofa (ew?), and a massage table. In the end, Robson paid for bringing the goods, and the goods were paid for their massage services (the 14-year-old girl received $300 because, well, you know).

Meanwhile, back up north, Epstein is said to have kept a posh UES residence where he allowed a slew of attractive ladies live rent-free in exchange for running his errands. Obviously, someone's got to fetch the massage oil.

So who the fuck is this guy? Named by New York as one of 2003's most eligible bachelors (such prescience!) and described by acquaintances as "Gatsbyesque" and "aloof," Epstein was the subject of a 2002 profile in New York:

Epstein likes to tell people that he's a loner, a man who's never touched alcohol or drugs, and one whose nightlife is far from energetic. And yet if you talk to Donald Trump, a different Epstein emerges. "I've known Jeff for fifteen years. Terrific guy,'' Trump booms from a speakerphone. "He's a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it — Jeffrey enjoys his social life."

Indeed. When he wasn't enjoying the magic fingers from adolescent girls, Epstein was circulating in your typical billionaire power circles, ultimately garnering some serious name-checks for flying the Bill Clinton, Kevin Spacey, and Chris Tucker (this century's Three Amigos, no doubt) to Africa on his Boeing 747. As for that plane, WWD reports today that it was "sybaritic," decorated with "the fur throws and the mirrors. It's 100 percent Playboy."

Classy — but was the jet stocked with young ladies like that of fellow billionaire and alleged extortion victim Ron Burkle? Though he's managed to avoid felony charges, Burkle (who is also a friend and business associate of Clinton) has also been known for his taste in ladies of a certain age. Maybe Epstein and Burkle could open a massage parlor together!

Aside from backing Radar 2.0, Epstein tried three times to buy New York magazine. Meanwhile, Burkle is rumored to be involved with the funding for Radar 3.0 (supposedly Epstein introduced Burkle to Radar general Maer Roshan). Is it any wonder billionaires want to buy gossipy magazines? Mort Zuckerman, you crazy dawg — what are you hiding? Watch this space for more on this field of fruitful speculation.