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• As it turns out, everyone's new favorite do-nothing socialite, Melissa Berkelhammer, is repped by society flack R. Couri Hay. When she cries, he gets her an invite to whatever stuffy party is otherwise keeping her from her twitty happiness. Figures — there's no way this girl was cruising Bridgehampton Polo Club on her own accord. [Lowdown]
• British Airways staff fights terrorism by refusing to let a wasted David Hasselhoff board his flight from Heathrow. [TMZ]
• Oh, our bad. Poor Jeffrey Epstein was set up. He's just a nice guy with knots in his back. [Page Six]
• We should've known: the man who's bringing you the disturbing bust of Hillary Clinton is the same sculptor responsible for the Britney Birthing on a Bearskin Rug statue. [R&M]
• Madame Tussaud's in Times Square will do anything to creep the hell out of you, even if it means creating a carefully constructed wax Shiloh. [NYDN]
• Thanks to Us Weekly's celebrity baby morphs, you can see that as adults, Sean Preston Federline will look like a victim of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and Barron Trump will resemble a composite of most rapists. [Us Weekly]
• Russell Crowe drops $100K to rent a home upstate in Nyack while filming his latest project. Consider it an investment in the safety of hotel employees everywhere. [Page Six]