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Now that Gen-Xers are camped out on Friendster, teens dominate MySpace and Facebook, and the youngest baby boomers are rocking LinkedIn, retirees can join Eons, the new social network for the 50+ crowd. Details like the "obits" button might scare some folks away, but in the right hands, they're the pieces for a very fun game.

  1. Sign up for an account. If you're actually under 50, lie about your age, just like you did to get into MySpace's preteen section.
  2. Upload a photo of yourself at 20. If it's black and white, colorize it first and add a Nike logo for realism. Swear to anyone who contacts you that this is how you still look.
  3. On your profile page, Eons asks, "What are your favorite movies?" along with the line, "Tell us which films you remember best." Eons is condescending to you; prove your memory isn't failing you by reciting the entire script of your favorite film, The Wizard of...um...Gone with the Wizard of the Wind, that's what it was called. Yes. You remember it like it was yesterday.
  4. When Eons asks "Who are your heroes?" don't put "Kennedy." That's like naming John Lennon as your favorite musician; it's cliched and it'll only make everyone remember where they were when he died.
  5. "Now that you are over 50, what are you doing that you never thought you would?" Write "Joining an Internet club, dumbass."
  6. Now, see that obituaries button at the top? And the longevity calculator at the bottom? Don't let that creep you out. Instead, use the longevity calculator to make bets with your friends on who will croak first.
  7. Then set Eon's "obit alerts" to keep you up to date on your friends. (Not sure how obit alerts work — are they run by a "dead man's switch"?)
  8. When your friends die, you win fifty bucks! Spend it at Denny's!

Eons [Official site]