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After a nearly month-long cliffhanger following former child actor/current former child actor cliché Haley Joel Osment's possibly alcohol-assisted destruction of a perfectly good 1995 Saturn, TMZ.com reports that Osment has been charged with four criminal counts of DUI and pot possession, including the the very technical-sounding "enhancement of driving with a .15 or higher," as well as a less jargon-heavy, "Well lookee here, did Mr. "I See Dead People" think we weren't gonna find that big old joint in the glove compartment?" accusation. With this impressive array of charges, Osment sets the bar intimidatingly high for fellow preternaturally polished child performer Dakota Fanning's inevitable flame-out, which will need to include the crashing of a monster truck full of heroin into her agency's lobby while wearing a tattered, ill-fitting Girl Scout uniform to equal her predecessor's feat.