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It's no secret that Brad Pitt and Angelina's security detail is among the most lethal and effective fighting forces on the planet. It's the kind of prestige unit Navy SEALs dream of graduating to, that they might one day join the best of the best in the stealthy stalking and neck-snapping of lurking paparazzi at Maddox's little league games. Nelson Mercado, 46, had his heart set on scoring the prestigious gig—so much so that he went so far as to masquerade as a DHS agent. He was arrested yesterday, and The Smoking Gun has the indictment:

[Nelson] Mercado claimed to be a Department of Homeland Security agent when he contacted a private security firm, Sunset Protective Services and Investigations, that provides bodyguards for corporate clients and high-profile individuals like Pitt and Jolie. Mercado, who specifically sought a contract to protect the two movie stars, claimed to Sunset that he had protected famous athletes and entertainers while off-duty from his federal post.

The indictment alleges that Mercado carried fake DHS credentials and drove a Ford Crown Victoria with tinted windows and police lights. The vehicle, the indictment notes, was "fraudulently registered to the 'US Dept of Homeland Security of America.'"

While the absurd, Crown Victoria-customizing lengths to which Mercado went might suggest that we are dealing with far too unstable a presence to have full access to the likes of the Chosen One and the others, we'd still advise that Pitt and Jolie give Mercado's application at least a once over. Every security team could use a skilled "pretender," and Mercado's impressive mimicry skills could be put to immediate use by infiltrating the paparazzi from inside, or, even better, by having him impersonate a member of the Oceans 13 ensemble, available to administer a quick and silent death blow to Jon Voight should Jolie's estranged, pushy father happen to crash another cast gathering.