Ketchup-Loving Crazy Here To Teach You Black Folks About Reconstruction
Remember how, during the 2004 presidential race, there was that idiot rumor that buying Heinz ketchup would somehow aid the Kerry campaign? And remember how a couple of clever entrepreneurs, banking on the craziness and paranoia of the extreme right wing, put out a rival "W Ketchup"? We always wondered who was dumb enough to fall for it. Thanks to today's Sun, we know of at least one satisfied costumer. That's right, it's our old friend Alicia Colon:
Naturally, I ordered a case of W ketchup, and later a W cap, bumper stickers, and decals. It was just a gesture of support for President Bush's reelection, but the ketchup was a real surprise that was enjoyed by everybody in my family.
In the course of a column where Alicia spends some time with the ketchup's creators (two fine young men who "have the type of esprit de corps that molded our Founding Fathers."), Staten Island's defender of the faith drops a little history on us:
The concept of freedom before wealth is hard for Democrats to understand, but it is this principle that defines conservatism. Smaller government, less regulation, strong defense, and civil rights for all — these are radical concepts today, but one forgets that the original Republican Party members were radicals. Abraham Lincoln was hated just as much as Mr. Bush, only his vice president was a Democrat, Andrew Johnson. Maybe having Vice President Cheney around is keeping the president out of harm's way. After Lincoln was assassinated, the Democrats did all they could to unravel his Emancipation Proclamation. Not many blacks know that it was the Democrats who formed the KKK, and Jesse Jackson sure isn't going to clue them in.
We're going to advise against consuming this ketchup, should you have any lying around: the ingredients very likely contain lead.
