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· Britney Spears, as we've never wanted to see her before. Her high school book report up for auction. Her Paris Hilton men's room sit-in. The allergy question. But what about the children?
· Lindsay Lohan acknowledges there may be a problem, joins AA. Leslie Sloane Zelnick, meanwhile, reprimands the naughty media for how unfairly they've treated her darling, troubled client.
· Dark Days for Kramer: Michael Richards drops into Jesse Jackson's radio show. Some confusion over whether or not he's responsible for all the world's wars.
· Is NBC about to get zhuzhed?
· Mel Gibson does some Christmas shopping, and his movie gets some bloody good reviews.
· Snoop Dogg still Burbank's most wanted.
· The Agent Dance: CAA loses Kate Hudson to Endeavor, and Hugh Grant to the universe.
· The Kazakh Madonna-sister-whore complex claims another doomed celebrity marriage.
· Astronaut Jones violates parole.
· Danny DeVito has no regrets about his drunken View appearance, save maybe sleeping with Barbara Walters.
· The Dakota Fanning rape movie buzz starts building to its inevitable, forced-sex-on-a-minor frenzy.
· Everything Lindsay Lohan always wanted to know about cocaine, but was too afraid to Blackberry her dealer and ask.