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Several of you forwarded us an e-mail announcing in 260-point type that "Tori Spelling invites you to her Dazzling Hollywood Estate Sale in her Valley Home." Our minds ran wild imagining the untold Tori riches to be had—anything from the pay stub from her very first acting gig on Vega$ (inscribed, "Well-earned by my budding little actress! Love, Daddy,"), to a life-size Shannen Doherty soft-sculpture doll, in mint condition save for a few hundred puncture wounds and burn marks. E! Online's Marc Malkin—whose Planet Gossip column photo's sinister smile, '80s preppywear, and ability to produce lightning bolts out of his ear never fails to terrify us—offers a full report from the scene:

The Tori Spelling yard sale has begun! And guess who's working the cashbox? Ms. Spelling herself!

Potential shoppers began lining up in front of Spelling's L.A.-area home today at about 7 a.m. Within an hour, there were close to 100 people waiting to get in. [...]

At about 9:30 this morning, departing shoppers were seen carrying white shopping bags stamped with "Tori Spelling" in blue letters. Thirty minutes later, a woman driving a green Honda drove by, waving a garage door opener out the window. "It's not worth it!" she yelled. "I paid $50 for this old garage door opener!" [...]

At about 10:30 a.m., a young man in a plaid blazer proudly showed off his $75 purchase: an embroidered pillow emblazoned with the phrase, "If it's not one thing, it's your mother."

There's dispute as to why Tori is suddenly swinging open her closet doors and attacking the many skeletons within with a pricing gun. She claims it's to "get organized before the baby arrives," but at $75 a pillow and $50 per garage opener (garage door sold separately), this liquidation sounds priced to provide an additional revenue stream—a sum Spelling is every bit entitled to, so long as there are people out there dumb enough to spend 50 bucks on a useless device just because the seller swore up and down she once flung it at her mother's head.