Blue States Lose: The Douche Who Stole Christmas
Anyone out there still left alive, rejoice. You have not been forgotten. Of course, the entire Internet is running on automatic right now, so nobody cares if you actually file those end-of-year reports or dick around with hipster photos. An easy choice really. After the jump, Alex Blagg explores the holiday cheer demonstrated by The Cobrasnake, Last Night’s Party, and Misshapes. Ring out the dying year in style.
10. My New Christmas Card: I assure you, my black heart is warmed by the holiday gesture of these drunken douchesicles. It's a Christmas miracle.
9. Last Night's Party. Girl Talk photo #7459: It's cool, holmes - don't be afraid to spin that air record. Pretend it is actually YOU standing behind those air decks making people tear their faces off in awe of how awesomely you play other people's music! Come on, show us your fake "air-scratching" skills. Hells yeah.
8. The Cobrasnake. Under The Bridge photos #0466: "Nah, it's cool - you guys go on ahead. I'm just gonna hang out here and knit another black light scarf until Nick texts me back about the location of the late-night chill-out party..."
7. Steve Aoki's Fucking Blog. 14 photos down: If you scroll down through enough of Benihana's idiotic blathering about the special "scene" he's a part of, and enough pictures of Lindsay Lohan desperately grasping for a shred of indie cred, you will be rewarded with the last known photograph of early 90's rapper Coolio, who appears to have totally lost his goddamned mind. Even under those retarded ironic glasses and Wheaties hat, the mental image of this guy freestyle flowing over Benihana's "Gangster's Paradise/Bloc Party" mash-up is pretty fucking surreal.
6. Last Night's Party. Batman Robin Hood photo #9933: She clearly graduated. With honors.
5. The Cobrasnake. People Have Germs photo #0289: I know it's the holidays and all, but Leotard Fantastik has really let himself go.
4. The Cobrasnake. Fried Grapes photo #8905: "I dunno, we're just, like, in the industry. I mean, it doesn't really matter, you know, so long as you're doing what you love, which is just, like, in the industry. The industry's crazy. Do you guys have any coke?"
3. Misshapes. December 16th, 2006 photo #084: I'm not sure whether it's the misguided attempt at a "hip" haircut, the bulbous forms crying for freedom from the billowy wasteland of that stained Urban Outfitters shirt, or the expression of utter certainty that this photograph will somehow serve as a justification of his coolness, but my man is AWESOME, for serious.
2. The Cobrasnake. Hotel Rwanda photo #2663: DJ AM doesn't even have to spin music anymore. He just stands up on some risers and sends text messages to this chick who's sorta friends with Paris Hilton while his iPod plays Kanye on repeat.
1. Misshapes. December 16th, 2006 photo #047: Sometimes I wonder whether there's a moment, within hipster photographs, in which these asstards stop and wonder to themselves, "Is this really what my life is about? Standing in an over-hyped bar, swilling down enough booze to kid myself into believing that I'm not too old for this shit, pretending to have the time of my life so some dude can take my picture and post it up to a website whose entire purpose is to reinforce an absurd idea of "cool" that is wholly irrelevant outside of a very small group of people foolish enough to believe otherwise? What the fuck am I doing?" Nah, I'm sure they just think, "Woooooooo! Get me some more Sparks, you dapper-ass fatso!"
