Blue States Lose: Leave It To the Professionals
As the clock slowly creeps toward the inevitable end of another winter workweek, let's take a moment to celebrate those who don't have to work, because they get by on being fabulous. That's right, it's Blue States Lose, where take a hard-hitting look at the downtown denizens you see on The Cobrasnake, Last Night's Party, andMisshapes.
After the jump, Alex Blagg journeys through hell and comes back to tell you about it.
10.The Cobrasnake. Born Into Porn Cake photo #5913: Many of our country's valuable hipster photographing assets have been tied up taking pictures at the Porn Star Awards in Las Vegas all week, and while that really isn't my beat (I prefer self-debasing tit flashes and nipple licks to be carried out by amateur drug-addled chicks on bathroom floors), I simply could not resist bringing this awe-inspiring specimen to you. He isn't at the porn convention - he IS the porn convention.
9. Misshapes. January 13th, 2007 photo #087: There was some confusion about this last week, so let me clarify - this is NOT Bai Ling. This is her sister, Bong Long, and she's a Misshapes regular. From what I can tell, she shows up and spends the majority of the evening standing in place, swiveling her head back in forth in a consant "no" motion, except for when The Cure comes on, at which point she drops to the floor and does pushups. Also, if you try to talk to her while she's "dancing", she will bite you.
8. The Cobrasnake. Pacific Zoo Gay Beach photo #8534: I'm pretty sure this is a mythical creature of some sort. Any moment now Jason and the Argonauts will jump out and slay it before anyone else gets turned to stone.
7. Last Night's Party. Dinner With Bronques III photo #2416: Seeing as how Sam from Top Chef thinks he's such a culinary wizard, you would think he chooses better dinner company. Though I guess this is better than Marcel making out with Kid's Meal.
6. Misshapes. January 13th, 2007 photo #094: And this is what the legacy of One Half Nelson has left us with. Some retarded mouth-breather from Staten Island in a big coat and a bad haircut, and whose nose is always running.
5. The Cobrasnake. Pacific Zoo Gay Beach photo #8186: When she paid 90 bucks for this shirt at some shitty vintage store in LA, you know that in her mind she was already planning on making this triumphant "Karate Kid. Hilarious, right?" expression every time someone happened to notice it. I wish someone would crane kick that expression off her face.
4. The Cobrasnake. Youth Camp Limo Rides photo #5746: Your mom may think you're a superstar, but the fashionably fabulous think you're a disgrace unworthy of their presence. This insult to style actually thought he could get away with throwing on some ironic T-shirt he bought in Chinatown a couple of years ago, but the incomprehensible loathing in the eyes of the Misshapes says it all. You hang out with Coldstare and Company, you bring your fucking A-Game - or you suffer their WRATH. At least rip off your sleeves or something.
3. The Cobrasnake. Pacific Zoo Gay Beach photo #8056: It's the Ghost of Kid's Meal Future, and it's pretty much what you'd expect.
2. Misshapes. January 13th, 2007 photo #080: You can't call her "Bridge and Tunnel" if she PARACHUTED in from Hoboken.
1. Misshapes. January 13th, 2007 photo #004: Fuck, I hope that when I'm 61, I'll still be invited to the latest trendy "downtown pseudo-artists binge drinking together and acting like pretentious douchewads" party - that's what the golden years should be about. Who needs retirement when you can have Sparks poured all over you by some nineteen year-old who owns four of your t-shirts and none of your albums?
