Love is all about making sacrifices. We love you, and that's why we subjected ourselves to a brief skim through an advance copy of Eric Schaeffer's magnum opus, I Can't Believe I'm Still Single. Yes, the book. Yes, Eric Schaeffer has a book. DON'T BUY IT. Seriously, don't! You wouldn't buy, like, a coat made from the skins of Guatemalan infants, would you? Well, buying Eric Schaeffer's book would be sort of like that, ethically, only worse. And besides, since we're excerpting some of the ickiest bits after the jump, you totally won't have to.

Eric Schaeffer vets a date by feeling her out on the touchy subject of child-rape:

"So you're saying I'm not allowed to rape that," I said dryly but

since I'm not the Antichrist, obviously joking.

"I understand what you're saying. I mean, the hot pants, halter top,

and makeup do make her look thirty instead of thirteen," April said

with a breeziness that boded extremely well for our chances,

like-minded non-PC comic sensibilities being crucial . . . and a lack

of sexual abuse in her past.

"But no. You're not allowed to rape that."

She passed the test . . . Or had she? I needed to be sure, so I

burrowed softly.

"I mean, where's her father when she's getting into that outfit?" I

said with earnest condemnation.

"Dressing her in it. After he's raped her." She wasn't joking.

Serious trouble.

More of Eric Schaeffer's thoughts on rape:

I mean we're men. We're wired to see a woman, smash her on the head

with a bone, drag her unconscious body back to our apartment by the

hair, and fuck her. I think you all should give us a break and, in

fact, a little credit. We have successfully bucked that arcane

evolutionary desire and have replaced it with the infinitely more

civilized hour of ANTM every week. I think we've come a long way baby.

Wait, he likes ANTM? Did we just sort of sympathize with him for a second? Ugh. We're chalking that one up to, like, Stockholm syndrome.



Earlier: When Eric Schaeffer Thinks About You, He . . . Sorry.