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If perennially unlucky-in-love Jennifer Aniston had, hypothetically, decided her man woes could be cured by checking into the cheerily decorated offices of a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon's clinic for some freshening up, who among us wouldn't have looked discreetly away, as if to say, "Just do what you need to do. We're running out of time and famous-enough suitors." The tabloid press is guided by an entirely different moral compass, however, and when they publish indelicately titled stories of the "Jen Gets a Nose Job" and "Wow! It's Jengelina: Jen's Sexy Revenge Makeover"-variety, it's all any of us can do to hold our breaths and just pray America's Abandoned Sweetheart isn't nudged permanently off her tightrope of sanity. Talking to People, Jen was asked point blank about the latest round of plastic surgery rumors, as well as the "lesbian kiss" she supposedly shares with Courteney Cox on Dirt:

So what about that kiss between you and Courteney? It was touted as a passionate lip-lock. JA: It's a good-bye kiss. I don't honestly think people want to see Rachel and Monica have at it. Did you two laugh when it became such a big deal? Of course! I think I won a bet. I told Courteney, "How many days will it take to come out? 'Lesbian kiss! Lip-lock!' " It was a record: about a week. Currently the tabs are having a field day over rumors about plastic surgery - your nose, your boobs. What's going on? (Laughs) It's funny. I had [a deviated septum] fixed - best thing I ever did. I slept like a baby for the first time in years. As far as all the other [rumors], as boring as it sounds, it's still mine. All of it. Still mine.

Now that she is sleeping "like a baby" (albeit alone), and her goods are still "all hers" (though wouldn't it be nice if she had someone to share them with?), we're hoping this marks a new era of rebirth for a newly emboldened Aniston, in which she ceases to be tormented nightly by a giant pair of cackling Angelina Jolie lips, and finally gets the necessary amount of beauty rest to net herself an actor of equal-to-similar celebrity standing.