Eric Schaeffer Skeeves Rebecca Traister in 'Salon'
Eric Schaeffer. Ugh! We almost can't even type the words. We're being serious and real right now: Eric Schaeffer represents the worst in men. He is every dick who's ever mistaken the fact that we were getting paid to serve him cocktails for "ooh, she wants me." He is every predatory asshole who has ever offered us a backrub when we were too young and dumb to understand how drunk we were. And, perhaps most importantly, Eric Schaeffer is the world's best argument for women's-only yoga classes. We were seriously, seriously never going to write about him again, but then Salon's ladyist-beat reporter Rebecca Traister sat down with the man, the myth, the internet-fame radar-blip and asked him about "the Gawker thing." It went sort of like this:
On how it all began:
All kids who are 6 are rubbing it somewhere. If you as a parent don't think yours are, you are in abject denial.
But actual sex with family members is a big leap from rubbing it somewhere.
You mean actually sticking it in for two seconds and having her run and tell her mother that this isn't a good game anymore?
Whoa, that's a whole other level...
We were both 6, so it wasn't like that. We played Mommy and Daddy. We were both kissing. And then it got stuck in and then ... you know, I fucked my little guy friends when I was 6!
I read that you peed on your guy friends at 6, but did you have sex with them too?
Yes.
Were you the top?
I was both top and bottom. These were friends! We would crawl under the covers and play bat cave and somehow a dick would end up in someone's ass. [Laughter]
On white women's sexual hangups:
Women tend to do this thing — white women, not black women. But white women do this thing where they'll clearly be sending all these vibes and then when you approach them they'll look at you like they never fucking heard of you. That's frustrating and makes me feel like an asshole. Because I'm not wrong. They weren't looking at the clock over my head. They were sending vibes.
On "narcissism":
A narcissist is a person with an out-of-control ego with an inferiority complex. I'm certainly not the first — only self-regard at the expense of everyone else. I don't know what your experience of me for the last few hours is, but ... do I seem like that? Like I'm just trying to blow smoke up your ass because you're writing an article about me? "Self-absorbed" might be the term, though I don't like it, that I'm more willing to claim.
Self-absorbed is a lot closer to how I think of a narcissist — someone for whom everything is in some way a reflection of themselves, the kind of person whose every act of kindness is actually a moment at which to think of themselves in a good light.
I don't think anyone else in the world thinks that's what narcissism is.
Phew. We've officially gotten the Eric thing out of our system, we think. Related: Mom? We're a lesbian now. Really.
Eric Schaeffer Wants To Marry You [Salon]
