"The Ethicist" is Randy Cohen's long-running advice column in the New York Times. Each week, Gabriel Delahaye's "The Unethicist" will answer the same questions as "The Ethicist," with obvious differences.

This week, someone discovers our generation's calculator/remote control wristwatch—which nearly breaks poor Gabe!—and San Diego's Belinda Smith uses her secret identity as a functional retard to spread industry secrets.

Each day people are more brazen and rude with their cellphones. My husband bought a device that can block the signals of cellphone users who annoy him, although he knows such gizmos are illegal. Isn't his vigilante behavior worse than that of the rudest cell user? — Name Withheld, Connecticut

This may be the most difficult question I have been faced with in my tenure as a professional adviceicist. On the one hand, I, too, find myself annoyed on an almost daily basis by the shouting inanity of the hoi polloi's pedestrian conversations. How many times do I have to hear some schlub's opinion about Grey's Anatomy, or, like, how many peanuts they've eaten in the past week, while I'm minding my own business at the store just trying to pick up some bleach and steel wool? On the other hand, I have an equally deep well of hatred for people who clearly not only receive the Sharper Image catalog each month, but sit down and flip through it. People like you deserve to get electrocuted by your World's Best Musical Butt Massager.

This really is a tough one, though. On the one hand, there would be a certain pleasure in watching the frustration on some jackass's face when his public, one-sided argument about whether Tim Burton's remake of Planet of the Apes starred Paul Giamatti or Giovanni Ribisi suddenly goes dead, right there in the middle of the bank. On the other hand, the I-have-a-tiny-boner-right-now-face that your husband undoubtedly makes each time he turns his "gizmo" on is so revolting, even just to imagine, that it makes me want to call up Hammacher and Schlemmer and order the World's Best Wireless Shotgun.

I guess the hope is that the combined electromagnetic fields generated by the two devices will leave you all sterile.

My firm is the sole producer of a promotional item that our customers, well-known companies, place in hotel rooms. Having produced a batch for one company, I was approached by another to do the same and ship it to the same city at the same time for the same event. Only one of these items can go in each room, and I fear that the second customer will gobble up hotel rooms that would have gone to my first. Must I decline the second order? — Belinda Smith, San Diego

You know, if you want to ask a question, please, go ahead and ask it. I'd love to answer your question. And if you don't want to ask a question, that is fine, too. No one is making you. It's totally your choice, one way or the other. My only request is that if you do ask a question, FUCKING MAKE SENSE. "My firm is the sole producer of a promotional item that our customers, well-known companies, place in hotel rooms"? Really? There wasn't a more confusing, obfuscating way to phrase that? How about "My job what is that we do makes hotel things what for we sell to folks now see?"

Naturally, I understand how you might want to keep your anonymity when discussing business matters. That is simple professionalism, am I right, Belinda Smith from San Diego? I mean, your business depends on a high level of expertise and discretion, so it makes sense that you want to keep details vague in order to secure the advice you need without impugning your work. AM I RIGHT, BELINDA SMITH FROM SAN DIEGO WHO NO ONE READING THIS COULD POSSIBLY KNOW WHAT/WHO YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT IF THEY HAPPENED TO WORK WITH YOU AND/OR BE ONE OF THE CUSTOMERS FOR THE MSYTERIOUS PROMOTIONAL ITEM THAT IS PLACED IN AFOREMENTIONED HOTEL ROOMS?

Your secret is totally safe with me, you fucking idiot.

Earlier: Rabbit, Shut Up