Serious question: where do gays like Andr J. come from? Who trapped them in a basement and forced them to watch Paris is Burning 1,000,0000 times, and why? Is there an academy someplace where an entire class solely concerns the correct inflection of the word "girlfriend"? Related question: do America's Next Top Model's Miss Jay and Jay Alexander have anything to do with Andr J. and if not why not? Maybe we'll never know the answers to these questions, but after the jump, Intern Alexis gathers Jonas Oransky, Hannah Frank, and Ritch Duncan to answer other, perhaps more pertinent ones.

Jonas Oransky, Independent Contractor

What else does he want to surge in your body?
 Is that a dirty question? Maybe some denim undies? Is that fake David Cross?

Says Andre J., " I'm wearing calmness." Where does he buy that?
 The kneejerk response to this question involves those years in L.A. But the truer source of calm iscertainly buried in New Jersey. He was socialized in the singular culture which does not boast the biggest malls, but does locate what malls it boasts closest to its ethos heart. As a man who found his own peace deep on the other side of the Hudson, I here testify to the accuracy of that pleasant
world reflected in Mallrats and by Harold and Kumar. Plus, the dead giveaway is that exuberant "put on this earth to be a bodhisattva, to just glow, emanate...peace, pizzazz" bit: that's a verbatim quote from the deathbed of the Hoboken Hero himself, Frank Sinatra.

What does being a muse involve on a daily basis?
 Lip-synching! He says it right there. Weird though that he's dismissive of that day job, like artists and actresses who say, "Oh, I wait tables, but y'know only insofar as I pay my way in this real-estate craze." Isn't lip-synching sort of a wonderful thing to do? I've always wanted to be the man behind the man.

Hannah Frank, Muse

What else does he want to surge in your body?
 Must you make a mockery of the English language, Andre, just as you do the cold weather? I mean, jeez—you're using "surge" as a transitive verb*? I'm hardly the linguistic prescriptivist, but still—what the hey, man? What gives? Is nothing sacred? Listen up, sir, and listen good: grammar does not take kindly to hot pants.

*Unless he is, in fact, a length of rope. If that's the case, I retract all of my scolding and instead offer empathy. They do not like rope, thread, twine, and the like in New York City.**

**True story: I myself was once a piece of string. It sucked. Sure, I was allowed to drink at any water fountain I fancied, but I had no mouth! I got kicked out of a bar, too. The bartender said, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve rope, thread, twine, and the like here." I left. I cried. I went home. I caught a little late-night teevee. Lorraine Bracco was on Conan. Boy, was she boring! I slept. The following evening I prepped myself for another night on the town. I tied myself into a knot. I watched a few of the VHS tapes I had lying around, like the one where Owen Hart dies and an episode of "The View" from the Lisa Ling era — that kind of stuff. By the time I was ready to leave, I was frazzled and worn out — frayed, even. Nevertheless, I soldiered on. I walked back to the bar and strolled inside like I owned the joint. The bartender was all, "Wow, oh my goodness, what the hell, you look fantastic, holla sista!" I nodded. Then he was like, "I am just so glad you're alive." I sipped my whisky. It was soon last call. The bartender said, "I want to take you back to my place so that I can surge [inaudible] in your body." I politely declined, explaining that I really ought to get home, that it was getting late, that my body consisted of little more than braided cotton fiber, that I had work the next day, etc. "I understand," he said. What an asshole.

Says Andre J., " I'm wearing calmness." Where does he buy that?
 The Jerk Store.

What does being a muse involve on a daily basis?
 Generally speaking? Meddling in Albert Brooks and Andie McDowell's marriage and sounding remarkably like Radiohead. For Andre? Forgoing nirvana for the sake of us all.

Ritch Duncan, Comedian, Writer, American Hockey Fan

What else does he want to surge in your body?
 He? You sure about that? I can't even nail down a race, much less a gender. Ann Coulter took one look at this dude and immediately issued John Edwards an apology. This guy looks like what would happen if the
entire cast of the show "Good Times" was forced to live in one body. They say never judge a book by its cover. That's because it's rare that you find books covered with the same fart-saturated Indian blanket that I got a terrible handjob under at a house party in the 11th grade. He says he wants to surge positive energy into my body. It might be working, as I'm positive I don't want that to happen.

Says Andre J., "I'm wearing calmness." Where does he buy that?
 Duane Reade, after his psychiatrist wrote him a change of clothes from his previous outfit, a snappy ensemble he described as "wearing a debilitating panic disorder."

What does being a muse involve on a daily basis?
 1) Awake from gentle slumber
2) Say a silent prayer for the soul of the dead prostitute who once
owned your shorts.
3) Show up 45 minutes late for "job" at the Verb Cafe in Williamsburg.
4) "Inspire" the laptop jockeys to work on their "novels" elsewhere.
5) Meth

Look Book: Cheerful Muse Andre J. [NYMag]