While the rest of us are drinking and snoozing, the television is trying to transmit important information into our homes. Today, our special correspondent for T.V. punditry catches us up on the week in chat shows. Because we totally wouldn't watch that shit if you paid us. Get your tinfoil hats on!

Does your idea of a good time on a Saturday night involve grandfatherly New York Times reporter Sam Roberts slowly and sleepily reading through the Sunday paper? Of course it does, and so of course you've been tuning into New York One for their latest show, "The New York Times Close Up." This remarkable collaboration between the paper of record and the five boroughs' amateurish and often endearing local cable news channel began two weeks ago, and it's every bit as bizarre as you might think.

New York One is like that awkward relative that you have to see all the time, but would never associate with were it not for the genetic connection. Sure, everyone likes weather, traffic and school closings, but their prime time offerings such as "The Call With John Schiumo," "Sports On One," and "Inside City Hall" range from amusing to horrifying. These shows are rife with technical gaffes, ridiculous guests, and insane audience call-in segments. And against this weak crop of competition, "The New York Times Close Up" is still relegated to weekend ratings wasteland: Saturdays at 10 p.m.

Getting on a real network and in front of a national TV audience would provide a much-needed boost to the papers plummeting advertising revenue, but after watching the week's "Up Close" it's easy to see why they're stuck doing the graveyard shift in between "New Yorker of the Week" replays. Just as the title promises, "The New York Times Close Up" lets you get all up in the Sunday paper. The press release for the show promises to give viewers "the opportunity to put a face to the bylines," and what a special opportunity it is.

This week we had the unique privilege of meeting two of the Times' rising stars—Eric Dash and Gregory Beyer.

Dash is a business journalist who had a story on the front page of the Sunday business section about the "wacky world of executive compensation." To investigate the story, Dash, a Wharton grad, spent two weeks and change "poring through all those proxy statements and SEC filings," some of which, he points out, are "more difficult to read than a life insurance contract." In fact, throughout his "Up Close" interview, Dash takes great pains to emphasize how difficult the basic tasks of his trade are for him. Watching the segment you get the impression that lots of things are difficult for Eric Dash, and that he often has to take great pains to express himself.

Despite the fact that Dash is such a fidgety, confused mess, Sam Roberts suggests that his story will prove useful as a warning "for those of you who have pinned their financial dreams on stock portfolios." Yes that's right folks, The New York Times is looking out for stockholders like you. The public service Pulitzer is a sure thing for this one.

The Times may be helping readers with "The New York Times Close Up," but during Eric Dash's appearance on the show it was painfully clear that the paper might need to start doing their good deeds a little closer to home. The best part of the interview came when Roberts asked the "obviously underpaid" Dash to talk about his own paycheck.

Eric Dash is nothing compared to frequent Sunday Times contributor, Gregory Beyer, who came on "The New York Times Close Up" to talk about Eggs Benedict. According to his personal profile on Facebook, Beyer has an impressive list of credentials. He's enrolled at Columbia J-School, and he's even met The Coop. Beyer definitely has some of Anderson's trademark sensitivity, but he has none of The Coop's broadcasting skills. His photos on the Facebook seem to indicate that Gregory Beyer is a fun guy, who likes to party, and hangs with the big men on the Columbia campus. None of this youthful exuberance comes through when Beyer is on camera. But deep within him is a passion for brunch!

Things went on from there. Also, we can promise you that the quality of these clips is on par with A.O. Scott's cheap, self-shot, digital video "postcard" of Prospect Park that closed out this week's episode of "The New York Times Close Up." Yay, technology.