Live from the pages of The Underminer: The Best Friend Who Casually Destroys Your Life, we invited everyone's favorite frenemy to chime in from time to time on various hot topics. That's right, The Underminer has a Gawker column now. But keep trying! You'll get one someday! You trouper!

Kevin! Kevin!

Hey actor man ha ha! Welcome back to New York Fuckin City, yo!

You look so much better than I thought you would! No it's just the British diet can sometimes add poundage to Americans. All that bacon.

Anywho...I just wanted to say I'm so so sorry.

About that annoying Ben Brantley review in the Times. Oh, you don't read reviews, of course of course.

No, it wasn't horrible, or a pan...but it didn't quite TRUMPET your return to the American stage like it should have, you know?

It wasn't all that bad. He just said that you go through O'Neill's speeches at the pace of a stand up comic and render his classic language meaningless. He DID call you "lively as a frog on a hot plate," which is kind of cute.

Anyway Brantley can be so prissy sometimes. You know how those theater queens are. I mean, of course you don't know exactly...about theater queens...

But you know, what does he know...those who can't DO, write about it, right? I mean, being a two time Oscar winner and one of our most gifted actors, you deserve better. He should be on his KNEES in front of you. So to speak.

Gay guys can be so pushy sometimes, you know? Roseanne Barr was right - they're always complaining and yawing about their rights, always wanting people to come out of the closet and claim their identities and be honest, like it's going to actually matter or move society forward in some way. (Oh I am being so politically incorrect right now. This is just between you and me...two stable heterosexuals.)

But hey. How are you, really? I was worried about you. If you have recovered from that summer night a couple of years ago in London when you had that terrible run in with that young man in a park at approximately 4:30 A.M, while walking your dog. That horrible horrible young fresh boy conned you into using your cellphone so he could call his sick mother, then ran away, and you tripped over your dog's leash and got bruises...! The youths in parks of London in the middle of the night are so untrustworthy! It's like you can't walk in peace in the middle of the night in parks anymore, you know?

Anyway, don't let the evil theater fags get to you. Just keep on keepin' on. It's funny...I was backstage at "Magical" getting stoned with Vanessa before she went on to do her acclaimed performance in Joanie's play. And we were just talking about you and how brave it is of you to bring "Moon" to Broadway and how it's always so hard to return to the New York theater. Mamma New York is a cruel yenta: you leave her for a minute, and she will make you regret it like only a Jewish mother can...Of course Vanessa like the greatest living actress so she sort of rises above this, but we were giggling about it backstage.

Well, anyway, I for one am so glad you are back in the city. You haven't missed much: wine bars are hot, creampuffs have replaced cupcakes as the hip sweet treat, and there aren't any poor people.

Oh and the Roxy closed!

I mean, not that you would care. Except didn't I see you...? Oh never mind.

Break a leg tonight!

Earlier: No Impact Whatsoever