Fragments From 'Stung! The Musical'
From time to time the news cycle offers up an event of such import and complexity that it can only be comprehended through the medium of musical theater. This week resident composer Ben Greenman takes a look at Miss America's recent involvement in a cybersex sting.
[Fade in. Lauren Nelson, the reigning MISS AMERICA, is walking in her hometown of Lawton, Oklahoma, when she catches sight of her reflection in a department store window.]
MISS AMERICA
Who is that girl?
She glows like the dawn
I admire her smile
And the clothes she has on
I feel a kinship
With this princess of Lawton
I once knew her name
But now I've forgotten
[MISS AMERICA's reflection replies.]
REFLECTION
You seem to be
In some kind of shock
My clothes, of course, were taken from your closet
You are acting as dumb
As a big box of rocks
(Lawton is famous for its granite deposits.)
Am I speaking too fast?
Can you see the full view?
I'm not just a girl!
I'm you! I'm you!
[MISS AMERICA faints. Her REFLECTION does not. She sings a swelling ballad that explains MISS AMERICA's consternation.]
REFLECTION
Once upon a time
In Atlantic City
Young women convened
To show that they were pretty
Girls posed and smiled
That was the tradition
Soon enough the whole shebang
Became a competition
They called it Miss America
For years she ruled the world
She survived Vanessa Williams
Butt-naked with another girl
In recent years, however,
She has fallen far
Reality TV, you see,
Has killed the pageant star
Lying at my feet
Is a sad anachronism
Let's retrace her troubles
By moving through time's prism
[The scene fades out. When the lights return, it is three weeks earlier. BROCK MURPHY, a policeman in Suffolk County, is trying to convince MISS AMERICA to work with him on an online operation to capture pedophiles.]
BROCK MURPHY
Help me out! Come on now! Give me the time!
You have the power to help us fight crime!
MISS AMERICA
I'd love to help
But I am unsure
How this will work.
I'll be used as a lure?
BROCK MURPHY
Help me out! Come on now! Give it a try!
You have the power to nail this guy!
MISS AMERICA
Again, I will help
But I need some details
Do you need me to chat?
To send out emails?
BROCK MURPHY
Help me out! Come on now! Give it a shot!
Let's put these dirtbags in jail to rot!
[MISS AMERICA, resigned to the fact that she won't get straight answers from BROCK MURPHY, decides to help.]
MISS AMERICA
I believe in law and order
In juries and in trials
I will help you catch
These loathsome pedophiles
BROCK MURPHY
I'm glad your sense of justice
Is unbowed and undaunted
Oh, by the way, we're filming this
For "America's Most Wanted."
[BROCK MURPHY sets up the sting operation. Using old pictures of MISS AMERICA, he creates an online profile for "Lee-Lee," who claims to be a fourteen-year-old girl interested in having "a good time" with an older man. JIM, a troubled layabout in his early thirties, begins chatting on the Internet with "Lee-Lee." They strike up a friendship that turns intimate and soon enough "Lee-Lee" agrees to meet for sex. JIM is thrilled.]
JIM
I have met the most beautiful girl
Her hair is spun gold. Each eye is a pearl.
I feel a love I could not have foreseen
The best thing about her? She's only fourteen!
[JOE, Jim's much smarter roommate, comes into the room.]
JOE
Who are you texting?
It's probably a sex sting.
JIM
Don't be ridiculous
I have found true love
A lonely hand can sometimes
Locate the perfect glove
JOE
Whatever, dude.
Do we have any food?
[JIM goes to meet "Lee-Lee." He wears cologne and carries a copy of Avril Lavigne's The Best Damn Thing as a gift. When he arrives, he is greeted by the police and MISS AMERICA.]
MISS AMERICA
I'm happy to say
That you'll no longer prey
On an innocent teen
JIM
You're not fourteen!
[JIM's arrest is filmed and shown on the Fox network. Later, when the case comes to trial, JIM's lawyer argues that since JIM spoke to MISS AMERICA, she will have to return to be a witness at the trial. MISS AMERICA, who has returned to Lawton, refuses.]
MISS AMERICA
I helped you nab the bad guys
And avoid a tragic sex attack
But listen when I tell you
I'm not coming back
No - I'm not coming back
I know this sounds unethical
Or selfish at the least
But I need you to understand
I'm not coming east
No - I'm not coming east
[This enrages prosecutors, who feel that this decision may hamper their ability to get a conviction. Prosecutors also note that MISS AMERICA's presence at the arrest was entirely unnecessary.]
PROSECUTORS
We had a chance to get these guys
Before this publicity stunt
How dare you pull this nonsense,
You self-serving little—
MISS AMERICA
Please, please
I wish you'd settle down
I am Miss America
I wear a lovely crown
It upsets me deeply
To see the rage upon your face
I am deeply sorry
If I've jeopardized your case
But...
You can run your stings with another stinger
I'm sorry if frustrations linger
Remember when I was a singer
In the talent portion of the show?
The song was "What Kind of Fool Am I?"
Well, now I guess we know.
[PROSECUTORS and police publicize MISS AMERICA's refusal to testify. Under pressure, MISS AMERICA recants.]
MISS AMERICA
Yesterday I made a cop irate
By saying I wouldn't assist him
Today I say I'll cooperate
When a cop is nice who can resist him?
Oh, the other pageants have their problems
Tara Conner drank and snorted
I feel only pride about
The criminals that I have thwarted
So why shouldn't I lend a hand
To bring these men to justice?
I stand up with society
And declare that they disgust us
I will testify
Of course I will
My duty to the courts
Is a duty I'll fulfill
I will testify
For the prosecution
I was part of the problem
Now I'm part of the solution
[As the trial nears, MISS AMERICA remains in Lawton, where she enjoys a considerable amount of local celebrity. She confides to close friends that she is still not sure about testifying, but that neither she nor the pageant can weather any more bad publicity. The strain of the impending trial weighs on her. One day she is walking in the street when she catches sight of her reflection in a department store window. Her reflection opens its mouth to sing. Fade out.]
Ben Greenman is an editor at the New Yorker and the author of several books of fiction. His latest book, A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both, is just being published.