Robert Rufino Used To Weigh 200 Pounds
"But now I'm an avid jogger. Who wants to be fat? You lose your courage," says Robert Rufino, this week's New York magazine Look Book victim. Well, fair enough! You probably don't also land on the International Best Dressed List twice if you're a fatty, an honor that hasn't gone to Robert's head at all. "They say, 'Whoever you are, you look really great.' And I say, 'Okay, fine. That's nice.'" Exactly. After the jump, Intern Alexis brings in experts Kimmy Gatewood, Sam Biederman, and Sam West to elaborate further.
Kimmy Gatewood, writer/comedian "The Apple Sisters"
What does Peppino think of Robert?
Peppino is sick and tired of Robert paying him in cheese. He thought it was cute at first. Now, it's just insulting.
What does Robert wear when he runs? And what's his jogging route?
According to the IBDWRL (International Best Dressed-While-Running-List):
"Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays Robert enjoys a jog through Central Park, in a running shorts (tailored) and a tank top (proportional). Tuesday and Saturdays, Robert runs to the TGIFridays on 42nd Street in an evening gown."
Says Robert, "On this journey, you have to know when to stop and go on to the next thing." What's the "next thing" for Robert?
(found on a piece of paper in Robert's jacket)
"My Journey" by Robert
Begin-à——Fat hippie—à——Skinny Jeweler—à——-Busty Latina—-à——Second
Life Furrie——End.
P.S. from Kimmy - I hope Bob considers ballet. Have you seen that turnout?!
Sam Biederman, "writer"
What does Peppino think of Robert?
He doesn't think; he's a tailor.
What does Robert wear when he runs? And what's his jogging route?
If you really want to know the truth, he wears oversized camo print cargo shorts and a raggedy T-shirt that reads XXXXL PROPERTY TIFFANY ATHLETIC DEPT. By "jogging," he means walking slowly, which he does twice daily between the door of his apartment and the car that takes him to work, once in the morning and once in the evening. He does not jog from the car to the entrance to Tiffany's, instead he's transferred to a sedan chair and carried into the building. (He changes into his work clothes in the elevator.)
Says Robert, "On this journey, you have to know when to stop and go on to the next thing." What's the "next thing" for Robert?
Draping his head in a Liberty print and eating Peppino whole, like an ortolan.
Sam West, Onion News Network writer
What does Peppino think of Robert?
"Now here is a man about town! But enough about me: Peppino! Here comes Robert Rufino. He's the Cassius Clay of arrogance, in that he has an alliterative name, and is arrogant. I guess he'll want to 'use' me again."
What does Robert wear when he runs? And what's his jogging route?
Rufino, a traditionalist, wears no clothing while he exercises, just like the Olympians of old. In the winter months he dips his hands, feet and head into a vat of that kind of chocolate sauce that hardens immediately, in hopes of keeping warm.
Cassius Clay liked to keep it short and sweet, which is why he would knock all of his opponents out in one punch or refuse to continue fighting. Likewise, Rufino can't stand being "on the pave," as he calls jogging, for more than 20 minutes. So he's got a set routine: he'll "pave it" straight to Peppino's, knock him out in one punch and sashay back to his jewelry shop, where he'll close the deal with the tenth grader who has been waiting 20 minutes to buy a low-end silver necklace for his abusive girlfriend.
Says Robert, "On this journey, you have to know when to stop and go on to the next thing." What's the "next thing" for Robert?
He'll sell another silver necklace and a MUCH MORE EXPENSIVE engraved silver charm bracelet to the same kid over the next couple of years for the same abusive girlfriend, god damn it. Also he will change his name to Muhammad Ali.
