Fragments from 'Lindsay! The Musical'
From time to time the news cycle offers up an event of such import and complexity that it can only be comprehended through the medium of musical theater. This week resident composer Ben Greenman ponders recent events surrounding Lindsay Lohan.
[LINDSAY LOHAN is out driving when she crashes her car. She is being followed by paparazzi, one of whom calls his editor on his cell phone.]
PAPARAZZO:
She was DUI and
Her car jumped a curb. She
Plowed into a tree. No,
She wasn't driving Herbie.
The rumors are just starting
And the whispers getting louder
Inside the car the cops have found
An as-yet-unknown powder
Soon I will send you these photos
Of the starlet alone and forsaken
Don't you have to go write some copy
To run alongside the pictures I've taken?
[The EDITOR laughs.]
EDITOR:
You know how we sometimes write obits
When celebrities are still alive?
Well, this story with Lindsay and coke in the car
Has been filed since two thousand five
So you just stay there at the scene
And do the things you do
Flash for cash, remember
And if she leaves—pursue, pursue!
PAPARAZZO:
Yes sir. I know my job.
I will fulfill my duty
I'll document the downfall
Of this tragic beauty
I'm even wearing a diaper
Just like that astronaut
It lets me stay in the car all day
And get the perfect shot.
[LINDSAY is taken to the police station. A kindly old police sergeant processes her. Though she is not entirely coherent, she does manage to grab his wrist.]
LINDSAY:
Are they still out there?
I'm sure that they are
They've surrounded the building
As well as my car
Send them away
The vultures and vipers
The scavengers, stalkers,
And digital snipers
[LINDSAY is processed and released to the hospital for treatment. The next day, she makes a statement.]
LINDSAY:
This was more than a warning sign
This was my Waterloo
Now I know how to behave
As I will prove to all of you
[The day after that, LINDSAY is in her friend Samantha Ronson's car, either tired or sick or drunk or high or all four. While she in the car, paparazzi collect like flies and begin to photograph the scene. Inside the car, as LINDSAY drifts in and out of consciousness, a SPIRIT appears to her. At first it looks like Meryl Streep, Lindsay's co-star in the major motion picture "Prairie Home Companion," but the Meryl Streep spirit takes one look at Lindsay, shakes her head, and vanishes. The spirit reappears in the form of Tyra Banks, Lindsay's co-star in the 2000 TV movie "Life-Size."]
SPIRIT TYRA:
Boo!
Boo!
I'm here to help you!
LINDSAY:
Leave me alone
I'm never alone
I threw out my Sidekick
And poured Red Bull on my phone
SPIRIT TYRA:
I don't understand
Your angry resistance
I have appeared to you
To offer my assistance
Your life has been a tale
Of successes and temptations
To make sense of it all
Here are three visitations
[SPIRIT TYRA dissolves and reconstitutes inside the car.]
SPIRIT TYRA:
In Parent Trap your dual role
Made up almost half the cast
Now that you're in an apparent trap
Please welcome the ghost of Lindsay past
[Twelve-year-old LINDSAY appears.]
GHOST OF LINDSAY PAST:
I'm apple-cheeked
I'm cute and clever
But no one stays like that forever
In a few years
I'll be an adult
What, I wonder, will be the result?
[LINDSAY reaches to touch THE GHOST OF LINDSAY PAST, who vanishes in a puff of acrid smoke. LINDSAY forces open the car door and runs to the bushes. A moment later, she returns to the car.]
SPIRIT TYRA:
You vomited on the sidewalk
Which was quite unpleasant
But never mind that now
Here comes the ghost of Lindsay present
[LINDSAY waits. No ghost appears. SPIRIT TYRA looks at her watch. Still no GHOST OF LINDSAY PRESENT.]
LINDSAY:
She's not coming
Don't you see?
She's not coming
'Cause she's me
I'm not talking metaphysics
Or anything sublime
I just mean to say that
It's hard for me to be on time
SPIRIT TYRA:
Well, what do we do now
With this unfortunate delay?
Should I put on the fat suit
And do an exposé?
[LINDSAY explains to SPIRIT TYRA that she can speak on behalf of the GHOST OF LINDSAY PRESENT.]
LINDSAY:
I know that I am headed
Down a fateful road
And that I seem to squander
The gifts that fate's bestowed
But I'm not sure if anyone
Can really understand
The way that this fame feels
It sears you like a brand
When I out-Britney Britney
And I out-Paris Paris
You'd think I'd be ashamed
Or at the very least embarrassed
But think about it this way:
What if they took your flaws
And magnified them monstrously
Without pity or pause?
So maybe my self control
Is a little loose now
I hope to god it doesn't
Land me in the hoosegow
[SPIRIT TYRA interrupts her.]
SPIRIT TYRA:
Silence, now, please - my spectral sixth sense
Feels a dark presence from twenty years hence
[The GHOST OF LINDSAY FUTURE appears outside the car door, dressed like a doctor. SPIRIT TYRA flies to the background, produces a dictionary, and looks up "hoosegow."]
LINDSAY:
That's so freakin' weird
Lindsay Lohan, M.D.
Is that the plot
Of Mean Girls 3?
GHOST OF LINDSAY FUTURE
No, you don't understand.
I'm not playing a part.
I'm really a doctor.
LINDSAY:
You mean that I'm smart?
GHOST OF LINDSAY FUTURE:
You might well be brilliant
How the hell would you know?
You've majored in movies
And parties and blow
LINDSAY:
Well, I was famous early
For acting, which demands
A certain extroversion.
Fame makes all your plans.
But here you are, a doctor
Let me apologize
That you have to see me
Through your educated eyes
[The GHOST OF LINDSAY FUTURE smiles sympathetically.]
GHOST OF LINDSAY FUTURE:
You should not be sorry
Not even for a minute
My life only has its riches
Because you put them in it
I remember all of it
The peaks, the flats, the troughs,
The lines we ran, the lines we did,
The putting-ons, the taking-offs.
It was my wild youth then
I treasure that which I recall
Once I was with Reggie Bush
Naked in a shower stall.
LINDSAY:
You mean it? You're not mad?
You like the life you've had?
GHOST OF LINDSAY FUTURE:
Up to a point I love it
But that point was yesterday
Now it's time to take yourself
In hand and find your way
[The GHOST OF LINDSAY FUTURE takes LINDSAY by the hand. The two of them fly out of the car into the sky. SPIRIT TYRA does not like this development. "This isn't the plan," she says. "Come back or I'll put you in the hoosegow." LINDSAY and the GHOST OF LINDSAY FUTURE sing a duet.]
LINDSAY/GHOST OF LINDSAY FUTURE:
A young person gets rowdy
A young person gets mad
A young person can't always
Distinguish good from bad
A young person gets horny
A young person gets high
A young person's designed
To sometimes go awry
But a young person gets older
A young person grows up
A young person begins to put
Less vodka in her coffee cup
[The GHOST OF LINDSAY FUTUE abruptly drops LINDSAY. As LINDSAY falls, screaming, the GHOST OF LINDSAY FUTURE sings one more verse by herself.]
GHOST OF LINDSAY FUTURE:
When there's too much attention
Before a person's done cooking
It all ends in tears
Now let's finish the booking
[LINDSAY falls to the ground, but she does not crash into Samantha Ronson's car. Instead, she finds herself back in the police station, the day after the coke DUI. The kindly old police sergeant is still processing her. He winks. "Have you ever played a doctor?" he says.]
LINDSAY:
What stretches before me
Is as yet unknown
There's time to evolve,
To learn, to atone
What stretches before me
Is an expanse of years
What ends in great joy
Can start with hot tears.
[She begins to cry.]
Ben Greenman is an editor at the New Yorker and the author of several books of fiction. His latest book, A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both, was recently published.