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The ugly divorce and custody dispute between Anne Heche and husband Coley Laffoon (five-second primer: Anne: You pleasure yourself to pornography, subject our child to poker games, and frequent strip clubs while I'm hard at work! Coley: You're crazy.) has ended in what can only be heartbreak for the Men In Trees star, as a judge has given custody of Homer, their five-year-old son, to Laffoon:

TMZ has learned that a judge wasn't crazy about Anne Heche, and awarded estranged hubby Coley Laffoon physical custody of 5-year-old son Homer, with alternate weekend visits for Anne...

The judge also awarded Coley child and spousal support, exact amounts unknown.

The disintegration of the celebrity nuclear family is never easy, and we can't help but feel for little Homer, who'll be reminded every second weekend by his dad how it's time to pay a visit to "that crazy bitc—I mean, your mom, who loves you very much. And if she tries to do something 'fun' with you like cover the cat in chocolate frosting again, I want you to call me right away. Think you can do that for me, little man?" before having his hair tussled and finding himself nudged towards the parting automatic gates.

UPDATE:The story, as it turns out, is completely inaccurate: Heche and Laffoon will equally share custody of their child while she is in L.A., but when she's shooting Men In Trees in Vancouver, she gets custody every other weekend.