This morning, as we thumbed through the latest issue of the New Republic (56 pages!), a thought came to us. Since Marty Peretz promised that the magazine was going to be twice as long (80 pages!) because it was coming out half as often (once every two weeks, instead of weekly!), we wondered: Could subscribers sue? To find out, we turned to Gawker's foremost legal authority, KarenUhOh.

The short, sincere answer to "Can they sue?" is "Fuck no." Peretz never, to my recollection, advertised anything approaching a promise. Even if he did, what are the damages? Have you considered how much more damaging it is to sit through 80 pages of their pantywaist piffle? 40 is a favor. The subscribers ought to send in another $8, or whatever they charge for two years of home delivery. I watched that video you showed a few weeks ago of Foer blathering on about his exciting features—my dentist wouldn't put a new copy of that in his waiting room.

The good answer is: anyone who subscribes, or pays good money for TNR's Masterpiece Theatre version of Progressive Thinking, ought to be collecting big damages just for putting up with it. Can't they get real A-list liberal thinkers? Steven Weber, or Bert Convy? Bert Convy's dead? Who cares! Just putting his name on the cover's going to get you that whole Match Game cohort! Those people buy things!

They can sue for that right now; they should bring it in federal court in South Carolina or somewhere else that people marry animals. When liberals start mincing into the courtroom, they'll haul out the tar. I saw My Cousin Vinny. The problem, again, is, What Are the Damages? Plenty, this time round, but what does TNR pay with? Ad pages from the New York Sun?

Marty Peretz? I wouldn't know the man if he was in the stall next to me. My guess is he's about a 40-page douchebag.

So, uh, there you have it. New Republic subscribers, consider that $9.95 well spent.