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TMZ is the bearer of breaking good news for any troubled, three-time rehabber who, while in the thrall of the SUV-jacking demons of Addiction, suddenly finds his or herself wearing someone else's coke-pants in a parking lot full of Santa Monica cops: Lindsay Lohan will not be charged with any felonies in conjunction with her DUI/cocaine possession arrest and Memorial Day meltdown, as a surprisingly compassionate DA has decided to file a mere seven misdemeanor charges against the sometime actress. A source explains to TMZ:

As for the second case, a law enforcement source tells us the manner in which the cocaine was seized was questionable. In addition, the source says the amount of cocaine "didn't meet the threshold for filing."

But there's more to the story: In deciding whether to file felony cocaine charges, the D.A. always looks at the person and the circumstances. In Lohan's case, the fact that she was busted twice in a short period of time actually helped her. It shows someone is struggling with an addiction problem. The fact that each time she was busted, she immediately checked into a rehab facility also helped her case. Also, her age — 21 — and the fact that her upbringing was extremely unstable — also worked in her favor.

One law enforcement source put it this way: "Prosecutors in this county see a lot of kids in crisis. There are lots of kids struggling with addiction. The first sign of trouble usually involves a car. We're not going to throw every one of them in prison. It doesn't make sense."

The possibility that a plea bargain will occur later this afternoon has also been raised; hopefully, the judge will follow the district attorney's example of compassion and help Lohan escape this ugliness without any jail time. Free of the kind of all-consuming media circus that would accompany even the briefest of prison stints, the starlet could dedicate her time to hunting down the real owner of those infamous coke-laden jeans, proving her newfound commitment to sobriety by cutting that terrible influence (really, couldn't that mystery lightweight pack her pants with enough blow for a felony? ) out of her life forever.