The End Of A Record-Shattering, Sequeltastic Summer
By now it should be sinking in as you sit down at your computer on this post-Labor Day Tuesday morning: Summer is over, burned off in this weekend's triple-digit heat. Make peace with the unofficial beginning of Fall by reviewing the long weekend's box office numbers (we'll list the four-day grosses because we don't want to cheat any studios out of a few million extra holiday dollars):
1. Halloween - $31.012 million
Apparently, sitting through 109 air-conditioned minutes of Rob Zombie's utterly unnecessary reimagining of the 1978 John Carpenter masked-slasher classic was preferable to expiring from heat stroke, as audiences flocked to their local multiplexes to watch a resurrected Michael Myers return home to eviscerate his suburban neighbors.
Perhaps now that this new Halloween has broken the Labor Day box office record, original Myers stalkee Jamie Lee Curtis will take to her Huffington Post blog to complain that having her iconic role reprised by "some skinny bitch named Scout," is further evidence of the decline of Western civilization.
2. Superbad - $15.6 million
Emboldened by the newfound heat he's enjoying following a third consecutive impressive weekend for Superbad, star Jonah Hill will seek to emulate writer/co-star Seth Rogen's career plans by having his agents call around town to mention that it's always been his dream to don The Phantom's purple tights and restore dignity to a beloved hero whose legacy was defiled by Billy Zane a decade ago.
3. Balls of Fury - $13.873 million
We knew that Rogue Pictures should have put Christopher Walken on its poster, holding a pair of ping pong balls in front of his testicles. Maybe they'll go with that image for the DVD cover.
4. The Bourne Ultimatum - $13.193 million
Matt Damon's publicists are hard at work cementing his position as the Most Likable Movie Star in the World; soon, Damon will attempt to maintain the nice-momentum he's built through yesterday's animated Arthur cameo by appearing in a commercial in which he helps the Snuggle Teddy Bear recover from a nasty cold by feeding it chicken soup with a medicine dropper.
8. Death Sentence - $5.2 million
We'll admit that we're a little surprised by Death Sentence's poor debut; nothing premiering this weekend sounded more appealing to us than Kevin Bacon revenge-slaughtering a gang that killed his kid.
