On last night's season premiere of America's Next Top Model, a homeless girl named Maritza came out onto the stage before judges Miss Jay, Jay Alexander, and Tyra Banks. Her cheeks were already slick with tears. "Why are you crying?" Tyra asked, affecting her trademark icecold laser stare accompanied by taut smile. "I'm just overwhelmed, I never thought I'd be standing here," sniffled Maritza. Tyra quickly forced Maritza to reiterate some facts that had been established in a pre-interview: she'd been in foster care, she'd been treated badly. "I've been... beat down by a lot of people. Raped, molested," Maritza quavered. "Why don't you talk about that?" Tyra suggested. Later in the episode, Maritza earnestly told the camera, "This [show] is the only way out for me." She didn't make it to the final 13. Duh!

Another casualty of the elimination round, which took place on a cruise ship ("We're all in the same boat!" an unusually perceptive contestant punned), was a contestant who never even spoke on camera. Her name flashed across the screen once or twice, though, and that name was I am not even kidding you at all Spontaniuese.

I swear, this show and Flavor of Love are becoming harder and harder to tell apart.

Another peak moment of Tyra bitchery last night was the moment when, after establishing that Ebony is a ghetto bitch because she had a hard childhood ("What was it like having a crackhead mom? You must be so happy to have the solid rock that is your grandmother!" "Actually she passed [sob!]"), Tyra said, "Don't think that I'm judging you."

Of course not, Tyra! What would a judge on a reality show be doing judging someone?

Another promising aspect of the show is Asperger's Syndrome Heather, whose whole thing is that she is modeling for the nerds, "the ones who sit in a corner." We are obligated to support her. "Words can't describe" how she feels to have made it to the top 13. Of course they can't, bitch, you have Asperger's!

Also there's one who goes to Yale. God, this really is going to be the best cycle ever.

Image via Fourfour