"Hey, people are talking about that terrible, morally reprehensible thing you wrote about Neal Pollack's four-year-old in their Facebook status updates," I told Josh last Friday. "Wow, cultural relevance!" he said. "Yes, that is how we're measuring that these days," I told him. It was funny (or not) because it's kind of true! The person who'd updated her status to defend Pollack—"[Person] is wondering why it's acceptable to pick on small children on gossip websites"—later changed her status to "[Person] is going to write more 'blind item' status updates so more people will post on her wall," and we can see why—she netted 6 new friends from the whole deal! So that's one kind of Facebook status update: The blind item. What are the other kinds?

Because I'm a word nerd who likes challenges, I get mad at the type of people who are too lazy to adhere to the enforced "[Person] is" construction of status updates. Example: "[Person] is when will I be loved?" No. That is a good song, but still, no. Let's call this type of updater the dummy-rebel.

Then there is the thinly veiled self-promoter, and in this instance by "thinly" I mean "thinner than the thinnest microsheer gauze." Example: "[Person] is quietly freaking out because her book comes out in TWENTY-NINE DAYS. Tick...tick...tick.." Oh, you so are not freaking out, you just want people to know when your book is coming out! Or: "[Person] is sort of irritated that her Facebook status was quoted in a HuffPo article." Okay, that was me, and clearly while I am a little annoyed I'm also sort of secretly thrilled.

A terrible hybrid is the type who mixes dummy-rebel and thinly veiled self-promoter. Example: "[Person] is has a new story in The Believer today." Would it be so difficult to construct this sentence correctly? "[Person] is looking forward to hearing what you think about his new story in The Believer today," perhaps? Maybe that sentence is too tricky for someone who writes for The Believer to construct. O-ho!

Type four (five?) is Hungover. "[Person] is hangover city." "[Person] is still recovering from Rated X madness last night." Shut up, College.

Type six is Mysterious. "[Person] is hedging." "[Person] is seeing it." Oooh, I am intrigued by your depths, mysterious types!

Type seven is Song Lyrics. "[Person] is blaming it on Rio." "[Person] is going to people's parties, fumbling deaf dumb and blind." Okay, that last one was me again! Heh. Anyway: losers!

What this research shows us is that we're all losers. Let's all just play Scrabulous together and celebrate it.